What’s the saddest part about being depressed or having an eating disorder? The fact that you can’t tell your family about it or even your friends. You can’t approach your parents and open up to them about your depression. You can’t sit down with your friends and narrate to them an hour long story of how “you don’t feel like yourself”. How will you even start explaining to your family that you sometimes don’t feel like yourself. That sometimes you feel an overwhelming wave of sadness that you can’t shake off. That sometimes all you want to do is wallow in self pity, in bed just staring at the wall. How do you start explaining to your parents that the child they have is not their child anymore. That their child is long gone.
Their child changed many years ago. Their friend has not been the same for months. Their child now feels worthless and useless. How do you even start explaining how you don’t feel enough? You don’t feel enough to who? When they give you everything you ask for, when you’ve lived a pretty decent life. How do you even start explaining depression to your parents when all they see is a happy child every single time? How will they understand that once the lights go off and everyone goes to sleep, that you cry yourself to sleep every night. That every night your demons come to play and leave you exhausted. That the demons leave you with dark thoughts that haunt you during the day. That the thoughts get darker each and every night. That some nights you lay awake cursing at yourself for being the way you are.
How do you get them to understand that your mind can’t let you eat? That your body is resisting to take in food even when it knows that food is important. That your dark thoughts imprint in your mind that you are not worth it, so you don’t even deserve to eat. That when you think of eating it hurts. What does it even hurt? How will you explain to them that when they place a plate of food in front of you, it takes every ounce of strength to even eat half the plate. How do you explain to them and make them understand that you just can’t eat? How can you not eat? You’ve been eating since you were born? It’s something natural that every human being does. Yet here you are trying to tell them that somehow your mind fills you with thoughts that you don’t need to eat. That if you don’t eat, maybe, just maybe you’ll feel a bit better about yourself.
Will they even understand the struggle your going through? Will they finally see behind the happy smiles and the laughter. Will they start to notice the flicker of sadness in your eye every now and then? Will they notice how sometimes you grow quiet and just stare into thin air? Will they understand that sometimes you just want to stay in bed all day? Will they finally be ready to help you get by? How will they understand something you don’t even understand yourself? How will they understand that it comes and goes like a visitor? That sometimes it stays for a week and other times it stays for months. Will they understand that when you don’t want to eat, it’s getting bad again? Will they understand that even privileged young children can get depressed? Will they accept that their child has an eating disorder? Will they understand that your heart was broken and you are damaged and you are doing all you can to get back to yourself again?
Hope they do, cause you always need someone there to help you through such a journey. You can decide to go through it alone but you always need someone to hold your hand. A single friend can help so much in overcoming a mental health problem. Spread the love, spread kindness. Your friend, your sister, your brother, your son or your daughter might be battling a very bad and silent battle. They don’t have to come right out and tell you. All you need to do is start being attentive to the little details. When someone stops doing the things they loved doing it can be a little sign that something is happening in their life. Being attentive to someone close to you shows you care. They might not want to talk but by you reaching out to them will show them just how much you care. They might not be ready to open up but at least they know when their ready they have someone to talk to. They know that they have people who care for them. Something to make them fight a little longer. Something to make them stay alive!
Just fight a little longer my friend, it’s all worth it in the end. And when you go nobody to turn to just hold on and I’ll find you
Stay safe, stay happy 💋