JUST ONE MORE DAY!

Some people tend to think suicide is selfish. It’s not. Never has been, never will be. Someone is not selfish because they decide they have had enough of being around anymore. It might look selfish to others but a person doesn’t just come to the decision to end their life and leave the people they love in agony.

It has to be a process before one finally reaches the point where they take their own life. It’s the very last symptom of the demon haunting them day and night. With those demons, you don’t control your thoughts they control you! Can you just imagine for just a few seconds, the pain someone must have been going through to decide enough is enough. For someone to think that it’s better to be dead than keep going through what they are going through, it has to be hard. It is sad, painful and a tragedy. If you have never reached that edge before you can’t possibly understand but this writing will help you understand. Well, try and help you understand the best way it can. So don’t judge just read, listen, help and understand.

The thoughts never hit you at 3am when you’re alone (of course you think and toss at that hour) but it hits worse at 3pm when someone is laughing with their friends, hanging out with family. They are halfway through the laugh and they just stop. It hits worse when you realize how happy your friends are but you’re not and you just don’t know why. Most of the time they have no one to talk to even though they are surrounded by friends and family. That is why some things are done in secret. That is why someone cuts themselves in the dark or hidden, someone throws up in private and someone takes their life in private. They are not being selfish, they are more of scared of what you’ll think or even taking care of you so you don’t have to worry.

Listen or better yet read, just don’t do it!

You might feel like you have the entire world on your shoulders. Like you have no one on your side, that you are all alone. You might be feeling like not being around is the only way you can help yourself. Quiet the voices. Chase away the demons. To reach the point that you want it all to end, is a point where most of us can’t even start to understand. Someone can’t even try to start understanding what drives someone to the edge of their own world. What can I say? It’s just the pain, the emptiness, the hurt, their demons, the voices, their insecurities, the lack of drive to live anymore. No one can actually pin point what drives someone to do it, do what? Commit suicide.

The feeling of despiser and worthlessness that a human can be going through has to be deep. At that point must someone be feeling like they have nowhere they belong, no one cares about them, they are no longer important. They just want it all to end.

“I just don’t want to exist anymore!”

Even though no one around seems to get what your going, just don’t do it! It must be hard to even focus on anything but not wanting to exist. But let’s do it this, stick around for one more just one more day. When night comes whisper to yourself,

“I made it through today, I will make it through tomorrow. Just one more day.”

All you need, all everyone needs is one more day. Who knows what will happen within those 24 hours. A stranger might smile at you, compliment you or even reach out to you. A friend may talk to you and you might just open up for your own benefit. A friend might notice your change of behavior. Someone, anyone might change your life just because you decided to stick around for one more day. It might not be much to live on with, but at least it’s something. That phrase will not take away your sadness, your pain, the emptiness you feel. It might not make anything better but it will keep you around for another day and another day and another day. Within those 24 hours if the voice comes and tells you just end it, you don’t deserve it. Do the most cliche thing and call anyone and just talk aimlessly about anything. They don’t need to know what’s going on, what we’re doing here is keeping you around and taking care of you!

The rest of us just need to notice the changes in our friends and family. We need to be there to listen. We don’t need to give a solution because you can’t give a solution to something you don’t even understand. Just listen and show you care, show we care. To keep him/her around so much longer.

Repeat, repeat, “Just one more day”

Even with tears in your eyes, “Just one more day”

JUST ONE MORE DAY!

Stay safe stay happy 💋

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THE PRESSURE OF SOCIETY

So I am seated trying to finalize my school project thinking about how I’m not graduating school and yet I’ve done four years already. Yes I will stay another year, yes I will finish my entire law studies after one more year than is required. Why do I feel so stressed and disappointed in myself? My brother is sitting next to me and he is a very unique character so we started talking about society timelines. How as a student I should graduate after four years, I should get a job first before getting a child. How I should wait for this particular time to have a family. How the society dictates that a law degree should only take four year and after that your just a failure. Why did you even do law if you weren’t going to graduate within the stipulated time frame? Something must seriously be wrong with you.

Then I asked my brother,

“Don’t you think the society puts so much pressure on us as youths?”

He simply just said,

“I really don’t care what society thinks.”

This 16 year old just told me he doesn’t give a damn about society! Yet, me a whole 20 something year old is feeling stressed and anxious about everything to do with the society. I’m not going to graduate so I’m a failure. I don’t have that many friends so antisocial. I feel insecure about my body so I’m weird. I am battling depression so I’m an attention seeker. The society can affect so many of us to think that we are not perfect. To feel like we have to change a part of a life so that we can fit in. Personally I have felt that since I became a teenager. Trying to be pretty with a good body and smart brains. Then when life turned upside down, I felt like a failure.

I became this extremely sad human being, this girl who couldn’t eat and lost a lot of weight. I even felt worse when I realized I’m not graduating within my time frame. Education has always been a core point for me and I’m sure for other people as well. I always want to prove to my dad that I am smart and I can do it all. But I didn’t, did I? So obviously I feel like a complete failure. At this point your thinking “nitaambia nini watu” (what will I tell people). I feel like everyone will judge me for not graduating then my brother told me “he doesn’t care about society and that I’ll graduate when I graduate”.

So why do I care about what society thinks? Why I’m I letting it affect me yet they don’t contribute anything to my wellbeing? At the end of the day won’t I have a law degree, won’t I start being happy again, won’t I achieve success? At the end of it all won’t I be who I always wanted to be it doesn’t matter if it will take ten years or five years. Why does time frame have to dictate my life and my choices? What if I decide to take a gap year from school and just pursue my writing? So what if I wanted to have a child? Ain’t I of the right age and capable of raising a child if I see fit? If I decide to get married now I’m sure most people will judge me, my parents will for sure want to kill me and yes society will inwardly will be thinking she is throwing her life away. Does that mean I won’t be a good, successful advocate?

No one should give a damn about society. Yes there is pressure to act a certain way and be a certain way. But this pressure is what will ruin your life. It’s ruining mine and it will ruin yours. It will prevent you from living your life the way you want to. Living your life following what society thinks is not living. Trying to be like everyone else is not living. Aiming to be perfect in the eyes of society is not living. Are you truly happy bringing yourself down just because you haven’t followed the timelines of society? So what if you take years to graduate, so what if you don’t get married by the time your 30, so what if you don’t have a family by the time your 30 and so what if you have a child when your 20.

I still ask myself,

“Won’t people think I’m stupid?”

“Won’t they start talking about me?”

“Won’t they laugh at my failures and mock me?”

For someone with depression or anxiety issues that can be a big deal. Just the thoughts alone can throw you over the edge. It’s always about the thoughts that haunt you even when your wide awake. The constant thinking of how others view you. Let me not get started on the overthinking. Then your mind tells you you’re a failure, then your body feels like a failure, then you start an endless train of thoughts where you belittle yourself. Then without knowing your stuck in bed, staring at the wall tears running down your face wondering where you went wrong. You look at yourself in the mirror and it’s sad how your ribs are showing and your thigh bone is protruding and how your body is just horrible. Once again you’ve fallen into the trap of depression. Once again you are the prisoner of your own mind. Shutting down the thoughts doesn’t come easy, you try but they are still there.

The pressures of society shouldn’t get you down. Are they the ones paying your school fees, feeding you, do they know your health status or mental status? Dude as long as you get that degree, secure that bag fuck what society thinks! (I am saying this while I can not stop caring about what society thinks, we are in this together)

When my brother told me that statement it when I started to change my mindset. I sat there and thought at the end of it all I’ll still be an advocate it doesn’t matter when, right? I should really stop being so hard on myself because I am actually doing great. I speak openly about my battles with depression, I still try and study even when I feel like absolute shit, I laugh and go out with my friends, I view life at a different angle than I did a year ago…..so yeah I don’t care what society thinks. So what if I fall behind one year, the society won’t know why and they’ll never know why. Use my issue of not graduating in time as a metaphor for any timeline in your life and just stop and think for a minute or two, “what benefit I’m I getting by bringing myself down just because of what I did or where I am in life?”

So moral story of the day,

“Stop being so hard on yourself, you are doing great.”

Stay safe stay happy 💋

P.S: note to self since your not sure about your damn life anymore you’re going to write a book on mental health. Who’s going to purchase a book if I do write one? You Are Not Alone should be a reality, true or true?

HOW WILL THEY?

What’s the saddest part about being depressed or having an eating disorder? The fact that you can’t tell your family about it or even your friends. You can’t approach your parents and open up to them about your depression. You can’t sit down with your friends and narrate to them an hour long story of how “you don’t feel like yourself”. How will you even start explaining to your family that you sometimes don’t feel like yourself. That sometimes you feel an overwhelming wave of sadness that you can’t shake off. That sometimes all you want to do is wallow in self pity, in bed just staring at the wall. How do you start explaining to your parents that the child they have is not their child anymore. That their child is long gone.

Their child changed many years ago. Their friend has not been the same for months. Their child now feels worthless and useless. How do you even start explaining how you don’t feel enough? You don’t feel enough to who? When they give you everything you ask for, when you’ve lived a pretty decent life. How do you even start explaining depression to your parents when all they see is a happy child every single time? How will they understand that once the lights go off and everyone goes to sleep, that you cry yourself to sleep every night. That every night your demons come to play and leave you exhausted. That the demons leave you with dark thoughts that haunt you during the day. That the thoughts get darker each and every night. That some nights you lay awake cursing at yourself for being the way you are.

How do you get them to understand that your mind can’t let you eat? That your body is resisting to take in food even when it knows that food is important. That your dark thoughts imprint in your mind that you are not worth it, so you don’t even deserve to eat. That when you think of eating it hurts. What does it even hurt? How will you explain to them that when they place a plate of food in front of you, it takes every ounce of strength to even eat half the plate. How do you explain to them and make them understand that you just can’t eat? How can you not eat? You’ve been eating since you were born? It’s something natural that every human being does. Yet here you are trying to tell them that somehow your mind fills you with thoughts that you don’t need to eat. That if you don’t eat, maybe, just maybe you’ll feel a bit better about yourself.

Will they even understand the struggle your going through? Will they finally see behind the happy smiles and the laughter. Will they start to notice the flicker of sadness in your eye every now and then? Will they notice how sometimes you grow quiet and just stare into thin air? Will they understand that sometimes you just want to stay in bed all day? Will they finally be ready to help you get by? How will they understand something you don’t even understand yourself? How will they understand that it comes and goes like a visitor? That sometimes it stays for a week and other times it stays for months. Will they understand that when you don’t want to eat, it’s getting bad again? Will they understand that even privileged young children can get depressed? Will they accept that their child has an eating disorder? Will they understand that your heart was broken and you are damaged and you are doing all you can to get back to yourself again?

Hope they do, cause you always need someone there to help you through such a journey. You can decide to go through it alone but you always need someone to hold your hand. A single friend can help so much in overcoming a mental health problem. Spread the love, spread kindness. Your friend, your sister, your brother, your son or your daughter might be battling a very bad and silent battle. They don’t have to come right out and tell you. All you need to do is start being attentive to the little details. When someone stops doing the things they loved doing it can be a little sign that something is happening in their life. Being attentive to someone close to you shows you care. They might not want to talk but by you reaching out to them will show them just how much you care. They might not be ready to open up but at least they know when their ready they have someone to talk to. They know that they have people who care for them. Something to make them fight a little longer. Something to make them stay alive!

Just fight a little longer my friend, it’s all worth it in the end. And when you go nobody to turn to just hold on and I’ll find you

Stay safe, stay happy 💋

EVEN ROSES HAVE THORNS!

Why do we feel the pressure to be perfect all the time? What is the reason that someone feels like they have to portray this picture-perfect life? Be it on the internet, or even in real life. Where in the stones of knowledge was it written that someone has to be 100% perfect all the time?

No, you do not have to be perfect. Your life doesn’t have to be a joyride in the park or a bed of roses. Even roses have thorns and they prick us every once in a while. What you choose to do when that happens is what determines how strong you are as a person. Just because your life is a bit in shackles at the moment doesn’t necessarily mean that your whole life is sh*%. That shouldn’t force you to ensure that everyone thinks you have an amazing life. It shouldn’t make you want to show how happy and content you are with life.

Why do people have to live a life full of lies? Why does someone feel the need to be seen as this happy person? With this amazing life, luxurious lifestyle? Some can say that it’s chasing the paper, trying to secure the bag. Securing the bag while trying so hard to hide what really is within you. Who knows, maybe what you’re tying so hard to hide is what will give you that break you need. It might end up being very useful to just one person.

Being sad once in a while is a very natural feeling for every human. Feeling emotions is part of who we are as humans. Just because you feel down today, tomorrow, for a few weeks doesn’t and will never make you any less of a human. The human brain is a very tricky organ, every now and then it needs a break to recharge to take care of our bodies. Having a few imbalances in the brain which make you depressed, bipolar, anxiety or whatever shouldn’t make you think any less of yourself! It is very natural to have setbacks in life. It’s called being human. Clearly that’s what you are! A human being with emotions.

Yes, feeling a little or even very hurt over a breakup or loose of someone is once again very normal in this life. People, mostly our own friends, make others feel like having emotions and being hurt is such an awful thing that it makes you cower away from them. You feel in your body that your very heartbroken because you lost that one person you truly love, but because of society you hide your pain and act like your fine. Put on that brave smile, go out with your friends and still do the same things you were used to do. When all you want to do is sit in bed, watch movies, stuff your face and cry. Which you should be able to do if it’s what will get to a healthier place again! This logic of always looking happy doesn’t make sense and can be very toxic with time. Keeping feelings locked up will one day blow up and that’s won’t be good right?

So why not put on your real face. If you don’t want to talk to people, don’t talk to anyone and just take a day for yourself or even two! Take as many days as you feel is needed to feel like yourself again. If you want to cry, you know what? Just cry, let those tears flow. Scream into your pillow and let the hurt out. No matter the gender, male or female. Men cry too and who says it makes them any less of a man. It’s expressing emotion, and that’s very beautiful. If you want to laugh for no reason, laugh your heart out. Look crazy who cares your taking care of yourself. If you want to travel, pack a bag, get a ticket and just go! Take time for yourself and your happiness. Don’t go searching for happiness elsewhere, trying to portray that “picture-perfect” life. You don’t owe anyone anything in this world. You don’t owe those people anything by pretending because they won’t reward you or make your life perfect. It’s your life, live it the way you want it to and the real way.

Again and again being depressed is natural, it happens to everyone. Yours might be worse than the one next to you but bottom line is that anyone can be depressed, sad or have a mental break down.

Be kind to yourself!

Let it bleed,

Let it hurt,

Let it go!

Stay safe stay happy 💋

BACK ON INSTAGRAM (kindly follow 😂🥰)

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bvd8iZMgV4w/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=fpc2yd3qeqbr

A DAY THROUGH MY WORDS 💋

7 am…..The dang alarm starts ringing. That has to be the worst sound in the entire world (well except the voice of that one person hatred oozes from 😂). I digress sorry…. Now the universe clearly except me to actually wake and start my day. The universe is obviously wrong because I roll over, reach out for my phone on my sofa and hit the snooze button. Now when I snooze it takes like five minutes before it starts blaring again! With my eyes closed I internally ask myself,

“Do I really need to go for this class? Just one attendance won’t hurt, right?”

7:45 am….As I’m thinking I drift into sleep again just for the damn phone to start it’s obnoxious ringing. This time I reach for the phone and switch of the alarm. Ever since I quit Instagram I rarely open any social media when I wake up. (When I was social media addict, that was the first thing I’d do when I touch my phone, check IG for likes or what people are upto, spend like a good fifteen minutes just scrolling on IG) So now instead I go on YouTube and look up of an interesting TedTalk to listen to as I get ready.

7:50 am….TedTalks are the epitome of my morning routine. I don’t have a morning routine but listening to TedTalk is always a must do every single morning. I mostly listen to speakers on mental health and motivation. Today I listened to a lady talking about “the art of being comfortable with being uncomfortable”. It was roughly 15 minutes which was enough for me to get out of bed and take a shower. The TedTalk motivation ends after I shower because after that I switch on my laptop and start watching a series or a movie. Well there goes the motivating morning flying out of the window but I got some sense knocked into me.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day but apparently my body completely refuses to accept the fact that we have to eat breakfast. It has bad habit gotten from my eating disorder period, I can never seem to eat in the morning. However I taught myself to drink water in the morning, especially water with glucose to get some energy in this human being. But hey, healing is a journey and we are taking that joinery one step at a time. Getting dressed is never an easy thing, I change like three times before I settle on a particular outfit that will go with how I want to wear my hair that day.

8.30 am….Clothes on,

water drank,

bag packed,

make up done,

teeth brushed,

hair fixed,

smelling fresh,

shoes worn and I’m ready to head out finally after a whole hour and a half.

8:45 am….The short walk to the stage is never a hustle especially with earphone blaring loud music (I pray for my poor ears everyday). Most of the days I miss the bus which takes me to school, because I overslept if it wasn’t obvious thus the walk to the stage. Getting to school is an agonizing 20 minutes of me deliberating to get off and go back to sleep. I’m always oblivious to the world around as I head to school, I’m head deep in a novel (currently reading eclipse). The walk to the school from the stage is short as well as the walk to the lecture room. I have a class everyday which runs for 3 hours each.

9:10 am…..Do I concentrate in class? Of course not! I day dream most of it, play games on my phone or read a book on wattpad. I write the notes though and I’m good at multitasking so as I’m using my phone, I’m also listening to the lecture. So don’t be fooled by my absent mind to think I’m not getting anything. I have absolutely no social life, after class I link up with my friend not to go to some social gathering but to head back home.

3:00 pm….That is basically my day before I get to my hostel room to binge watch on some stupid series! Very productive I know.

I’m thinking of getting back on social media. I’ve had the best time of IG and it was extremely therapeutic for me. My phone addiction reduced and I feel like I will have a healthy relationship with social media. Having learnt how to keep my life private while still sharing on social media. How to appreciate my little success and understand my own pace of success without comparing myself to others. My huge fear of getting back on social media is the annoying stalking I did and the stalker I had but hopefully the stalker forgot I existed 😂. This should be its own blog separately and I will work on that!!!! Feel free to give your thoughts on me jumping back into social after months of being off!!!!!!

Hope it was good read!!!!

Stay safe stay happy 💋

BROKE NOT BROKEN #3

There comes a time when you feel lost in the world. When you feel like you don’t belong. There’s a time when you feel like you are not enough to actually exist in this world or even among people. It builds up in you and it makes you sad. It makes you feel like you don’t deserve to live in this world. That feeling takes away the will to live, the will to enjoy the joys of the world! Those feelings rob you of the perfect moments in the world. Happy memories pass you by, why? Because during those happy memories you were busy pretending to be happy. Busy pretending to be this happy friend, always with a big smile! Ready to go on any adventure, ready to go out to an event.

You do all that so that you seem normal to everyone else. You do all that so no one can notice that you are actually suffering. So you suffer in silence. At that moment you have no one to turn to. You can’t tell your parents because they are traditional and don’t understand mental health. They didn’t have mental health at their age so they’ll basically assume that its just a stunt to get attention. You can’t tell your friends because they’re millennials and all they think about is “fun, adventure, success, money, love”. If you tell them your sad all they’ll respond with is,

“aaaiii aty your sad just be happy. It’s life you have to move on.”

But how do you just be happy when you don’t even know what happiness is anymore. You’ve fallen so deep into the abyss of sadness that you don’t have a clue how to be happy. You can’t tell your siblings because you don’t want them to worry about you. You don’t want you siblings to be the ones to carry your burden. You just don’t want to be a burden. So that means that you just keep everything bottled up inside of you.

But keeping up a facade can be hard. At some point you are bound to slip. You expect when you slip your friends will notice, your parents will notice or even your siblings. No one notices, right? I know they don’t but love you still have to keep being “happy” for them. For the people who never seem to notice that YOU are not happy. That YOU are going through a very difficult time all by yourself. Someone would ask,

“Why would you not tell someone?”

Then it runs through your mind, how do you start telling someone you are sad and you have been sad for more than five years or more. How do you start telling someone that you don’t even know why you’re sad on the first place. How do you even start telling someone that you have these voices at the back of head screaming at you how worthless and useless you are! How do you even start telling someone that you are not okay when you seem so perfectly fine. You don’t have a flu, or a headache so you can’t start explaining to someone that you have this feeling inside of you that you don’t want to exist anymore.

At that point is where you keep it all to yourself because there is no words to explain how someone feels when they are depressed, anxious, bipolar etc. You can’t put to words the frustrating feeling eating inside of you! You want help from someone but there is no book on how to ask for help to stop being sad. Being sad? Why are you sad? You don’t even have an idea! How the hell are you depressed at 18, 19, 20? You are so young to mentally stressed! Those are the types of stigmas that make the young adults not speak up about what they’re going through.

They feel if they speak up they will be shut down because at their age they are supposed to be stress free. Yet it even starts at a young age as 10. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a traumatic event. Events such as extreme stress or emotional pain can trigger mental health disorder. It is not something to be embarrassed about. No one should be ashamed because of getting a mental health disorder. It is normal life circumstances that make people crumble mentally and it is perfectly normal. No one should feel any less of a human just because they are depressed at 20 or has an anxiety disorder at 16.

Yes, you will feel broken. Yes, you will feel like you will never be okay again. No, I am not okay and won’t tell you that,

“I went through it and now I am okay and looking back and wondering what was I so afraid of”

I am going through ups and downs. I am struggling with issues that even my own family doesn’t know about but I take each day as it comes. If the day comes and I can’t get out of bed you know what I’ll do? I will smile at my wall and be like,

“I guess it’s just you and me today.”

Of course I will coil up in bed and feel guilty for missing a class. I will try and wake up, get ready and I will feel so disappointed when my mind fails to do the simple task. When tears come to my eyes because I feel so sad for reason best known to my mind. I will feel so disappointed because on that day my mind and body decided on this day we will not do anything. On this day we can not go out and face the world because we need to reboot. But you know what, yes I will stay in bed so scared of going out of my room. Yes, I might cry as I stay in bed and pity myself. But by five o’clock when my good friend leaves class I will call her and I’ll tell her I’m coming to see her. I will force myself out of that bed, shower, dress and go see my friend. I will talk to her, laugh with her and that shows me that I am strong! That should show you that you are strong!

It might take you three days to leave that bed but find that strength within you to surround yourself with someone who makes you laugh. It might be hard but you have to fight! YOU HAVE TO FIGHT! Mental health can’t defeat you, you shall not succumb to mental health. You are stronger than it.

You might loose the battle but you shall win the war!”

Speaking of my experiences are hard but I aim to help people to get by their hardship by talking about my own! And if I make even one person smile then my job is done!

Stay strong stay happy 💋

SURVIVING NOT LIVING

For the longest time it’s always been about getting through to the next day. Getting to see another sunrise or seeing the sun set. It’s never been about enjoying the moment. The events that’s happening at that very moment. It’s always down to getting through the day without anyone knowing that you’re tired. Not physically tired but mentally tired. Without anyone knowing that mentally you are completely and utterly drained.

It’s always been about being able to smile the whole day. Learning each day how to fool people into thinking that you are the best version you can be. Showing how strong you can be. Because you would you lean on? When you have no one to let in, you strive to become strong for yourself and to keep being around for everyone around you. Being a shoulder for everyone to lean on has to be a surviving method for most people. Being able to be viewed as the strong one has to be one of the best feeling ever.

Even when you don’t feel your utmost best, someone coming to you for help makes you feel needed. Makes you feel important. Makes you feel like you matter to someone! And at the very end, you end up not living but surviving. Surviving yet another day where you have to battle to be here. Surviving yet another day where you have to keep pretending to be someone you most definitely are not. Surviving yet another day where you have to be “happy” when all you want to do is shut yourself in your room and cry. All you want to do is cry and vent your soul out. All you ever feel like doing is breaking down. But yet here you are one of the happiest soul!

It must be hard right? To go through each and every day with the biggest smile on your face. Molar to molar, every tooth out for show. Your eyes sparkling with happiness and satisfaction. Your face glowing with never ending happiness. But what is the true version of yourself? Is it the happy soul you show everyone to be, yes of course thats the real you. It is the you that wants to come back. The real you that is fighting every day to become “you”. The version that is true to your nature. It is the version that has been poisoned with sadness but at this point you don’t have an idea how to get back, right? You reach out to anyone who can understand what you are going though. The confusion you have brewing inside of you. The two versions which are fighting, a source of light to guide you to the right path.

But no one seems to understand you. Whatever you do, say or think it all seems like a joke. You don’t even understand yourself sometimes. All you want is to get better but everyday it seems like your getting worse and worse. Like everyday you are going further from your happy self. And somehow you know that’s much worse. The only sad thing is that you don’t know how to get back to how you were,

Two weeks ago

One month ago

One year ago

Or even three years ago

At this point you don’t even know who you are anymore. All you feel is pain, hurt, sadness and exhaustion. You want to scream and shout,

“No I’m not okay!”

“Please help me!”

“Please save me!”

But you don’t even know how to get those words out of your own mouth. You have no idea how to ask for the tiniest bit of help. The thoughts are getting louder each day. The urges are getting stronger each day. And each day not being around sounds like a very great idea. At the back of your head all that is ringing is that,

“I don’t want to live anymore, I don’t want to die! I just don’t want to exist anymore!”

You don’t want to be you. You are tired of the life you have. It’s not the life you want for yourself. It’s not a life you can even wish on your worst enemy. But you know what’s the best part of it? How strong you are! How extremely strong you are to still be here despite all that you are feeling. No, it doesn’t mean just because you have perfect lifestyle, or amazing friends and family that your mentality is perfect! It just takes one little thing to break even the strongest people. And you, yes you, is an amazing and strong human being to still be able to survive yet another day of constant battle.

It might not feel okay today or tomorrow or the day after that. It might even take a whole year for you to feel like yourself again. But all that matters is that you wake up every morning, dry of your tears, put a smile on that face and get ready to fight yet another battle. You might not win the battle, but you will win the war! A friend of mine told me today that,

You don’t have to be happy to make another person happy. And the person that you make happy, will maybe make two another people happy and those two people will maybe make four people happy!

You’d have started a whole chain of happiness around and that will soon return back to you! Sooner or later! Just keep being strong, if not for yourself but for that one stranger you might meet tomorrow!

Stay safe stay strong 💋

THIS IS MY STORY

I’m I ready to share my story in my blog? Not really

But do I want to put a part of my story out there? Yes I do

2014, she was this healthy, happy girl full of thickness. She was at a healthy weight, her food intake was ordinary like any teenage girl out there. She was doing fairly well in school, not her best but we all have a moment when we don’t care about books or result. She was having the time of her life in school with her friends. In school she was well known, not for good reasons but she was still known. School was a good place for her, away from all other troubles of the world. She loved her life then.

2015, school is over, no stress about books, always at home just eating and being a couch potato. In her father’s house you wouldn’t stay idle for even a month so she was enrolled to computer classes to keep her busy. Then slowly by slowly stress began creeping into her happy life. The result for the final year were about to be announced, she wasn’t as serious in school as she was always known to be. The thought of letting down her parents weighed her down. In computer class she was shy once again, always sat at the back and rarely talked to anyone. Frankly she didn’t know what was happening to her!

Then it started with skipping breakfast, she would leave the house without her mother noticing she’s gone and would always say she ate breakfast before she left. Then she realized she can stay without breakfast so she started skipping lunch as well and only eating supper. It wasn’t hard to lie to her parents about it. She would just always say she’ll eat in her bedroom and since everyone at home was used to her staying in her room it wasn’t that weird.

She always got lunch money, so she would buy something after class, come home with it and just eat one or two spoons then leave the rest of it for her sibling. That’s when she realized if she didn’t need breakfast or lunch then she doesn’t need supper as well. That’s where it all began. The first week without eating any meal and she didn’t feel any different so she knew this was good for her. It was the right thing to do. Whenever she felt very hungry she would drink a bottle of water and everything would be fine.

Two weeks passed.

Three weeks passed.

Four weeks passed.

It was now one month and she hadn’t eaten a single full meal. Results came and she did well so no one was disappoint in her but still her mind was hooked to the thought that, “we don’t have to eat, we don’t need to eat, we are good without the food!”. So she didn’t eat and things started going south. Your body can’t survive that long without food, organs will start shutting down and eventually you’ll became sick.

Soon enough the pressure of not getting enough food started weighing down on her. She started having moments where she would become very dizzy and faint. Her vision would often become very blurry. The dizzy episode became more and more often. Until one day she was walking with her father, she just became very dizzy and for a second she collapsed but composed herself. She felt very sick, so her mother took her to the hospital.

As usual tests were done and there was nothing wrong except that she was really underweight. She clearly remembered the doctor saying “your daughter is really underweight and needs to get her weight up”. But since she didn’t talk that much, they concluded she’s fine and she just needs to eat. Her parents kept a close eye on her for a while to ensure she always ate. She was really really skinny and eating was a problem. It was like teaching your body how to do something it has done for the longest time. But slowly she began eating one meal and a snack, two meals and soon enough she was eating meals like normal. The thought to not eat, you’ll gain weight was still ringing at the back of her head.

Now and then she’ll have episodes when she won’t eat. Eating will be a struggle and she’ll stay away from food for a period of two weeks at most. But she learnt how to be resilient and how to keep her thoughts in check! Did she relapse after the 2015 trauma? Story for another day!

It happens to people around us and clearly it’s not something to be ashamed of. Just like how people have physical disease some others suffer from very common mental diseases. The healing process is always personal and special to someone. Once you get to the point where you can at least smile and be happy, your getting better! So much better! So don’t give up just yet, strive to be the best version you can be. The journey to healing is always bumpy and rough. No one will sit and tell you it’s a smooth path. It’s not! It’s hard and you have to be determined to get better, not for other but for yourself. Everyone has their own process, as I said it’s very personal.

And that’s my story, what’s yours?

Stay safe, stay happy 💋

UNREQUITED #2

“Te amo pero nunca la sabras”

You know the feeling when you really want to be with someone and ripping you apart to not be with them? That pain that is just never going because you know how much you love that person. When you know your happiness lies with someone else. A person who you know deep down in your heart will never feel the same about you. Not in this life or another life.

It is hard to love someone who sees you as nothing like a friend or worse as nothing. Of course, it is a horrible feeling and it crushes you heart. It makes you feel worthless, like you are not enough for that person. All that love you hold inside for someone else is worth it. You are worth it and you are enough. They just don’t see your worth and that’s fine. They don’t see your value and that’s totally okay. No one in this world owes you anything and you should let that sink in. Because it’s true! Everyone in this world has the right to their own feelings and to be with whoever they want. So once you tell yourself that that person doesn’t own you anything and believe that, the better for you.

The hardest part of unrequited love is the heart break you get from someone who was never yours to begin with. The pain is just as bad as someone who has gotten attached to their boyfriend or girlfriend. Being so much in love with person, being their friend and letting them depend on you for so long does have to leave some sort of pain in its wake right? When you lie there in bed and cry for someone who was never yours to begin with. I can only imagine the torture your mind goes through to erase the person your heart desires. It has to be a constant battle between your heart and mind. When you want to silence the mind but your heart is still clinging on the love that was never yours to begin with.

The nights when random thoughts of them come to mind. When your reading a book and you for a second wish they were with you. When you see an adorable couple walking down the street and you only visualize yourself with the person you secretly love. Must be hard!

How do you get over someone who was never yours? How do you get over feelings for someone who was never there with you? How do you silence the mind as you mend your broken heart? Then you have those random thoughts about them. The memories and fantasies have to be the worst, right? Because how do you shut of your mind? You can meditate or do yoga, listen to some podcast but you and I both know that every now and then you’ll find yourself thinking about them. And it breaks your heart doesn’t it? It’s a type of pain that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, right?

“It does get better with time”

That has to be the most cliche thing someone is told when they’re going through a hard time. But it does get better with time. It’s a process you can not avoid, you have to get through the pain. And that will be for the next part of the series, getting through the heartbreak of unrequited love.

Keep smiling and don’t let anyone break your good heart to turn you into someone your not! You’re an amazing human being, remember that!

Stay safe stay happy 💋

14.03

14th February, dia de los enamorados.

The day that people show their utmost love for their partner. Get the all sorts of present, take them to fancy dinners, go for a short vacation! The lady gets to dress up, be all pretty and be showered with love from her man. In many instances it’s the man who has the pressure to make Valentines a special day for his girlfriend. He is not allowed to forget this day and has to have ready a place to take his girlfriend, have gifts ready to give her and show her lots of love.

Ladies, ladies pull up your socks if you haven’t already. Men may act all mucho but deep down they want to be shown love too. When he surprises you with a gift what harm will it do if you as his girlfriend surprise him as well. It’s “lovers day” not “girlfriend day”. Your both in the relationship and the both of you should show each other how much you matter to one another. If your man takes you out for dinner, you can have something planned for afterwards like maybe a movie or something that he really likes.

If your man is into let’s say marvel, I bet it’s will be romantic to have an in door theatre setting for him waiting at home. Since you already had dinner, a bottle of his favorite drink (be it wine, vodka, whiskey, soda, milk or water), a few munchies to bite on and also the gift for him. Giving him a tie or socks or shirts is good but pretty sure he got you something amazing! So does it really hurt to spend a bit of coin on the person you love? (Lord why I’m I still single)…… A gift based on things that he likes, if your man is into accessories then a good watch (not those one for 200 that are sold in town cmon sis) doesn’t necessarily have to be a damn Rolex but there some affordable designers, a leather bracelet or neck thingie. Afterwards you can wear your lingerie and rock his world (pg not for persons under the age of 18).

Assuming I was in a loving relationship with a man who adores me and cares I would definitely spend on him even spoil him. Personally I have nothing against spoiling your man like it’s a two people relationship and you’re happy. Valentines has never been something I believed and I still don’t. It’s just a day that people blow out of proportion. I’m with you most of the time and you have all the time to show me love not just on this particular date.If you haven’t been loving towards someone all along don’t use 14.03 as a means to finally become romantic! If someone makes me happy, if we are growing together, helping each other in this life then I be damned I won’t mind if on this day (14.03) all someone does is “give me a single rose (but if he loves me he’ll know better than to get me a rose and give me a cactus instead), a kiss on my forehead and another promise to be happy together”. Being completely honest, I wouldn’t expect much from “my man” because we are happy on 13.03 and we will still be very much happy and in love on 15.03.

I don’t mind being spoiled but just you know I’ll spoil you too, accept that.

( Yeap still very much single here hahahahahaimsolonely)

I love you bebes and Happy Valentines or whatever.

Stay safe stay happy 💋