A SCAR’S STORY

There is always a hidden story behind the girl who always wears jeans even when the day is extremely hot. The boy who is always in a jumper despite the weather outside. The friend who is always wearing long sleeved clothes and would not dare wear a short sleeve shirt or anything. Or what about that girl who was obsessed with crop tops and showing of her perfect tummy then out of nowhere stopped wearing them completely. Or that friend that doesn’t what to go swimming anymore or expose a specific part of their body. Ever asked yourself why?

Well maybe they just love what they wear or what they do but maybe there is a secret that they are trying so hard to hide. It is not something you always want the world to know. Its your own personal secret and escape. It is the way you try and push away the demons. When they rise up to the surface the only way you know best to take them back to their place is self-harm. When the night gets too intense and you feel like you can’t take the pain anymore you do it. In your mind it is the only way to get away from the pain.

Self-harm? Good question.

It can be explained in many ways and also understood in many ways. For a person who actually self-harms they can not seat down and explain what it is or why they do it. From another person’s perspective they won’t understands why someone would harm themselves. Why a person would go to the lengths of drawing blood from their body “just because they’re in pain”. Everyone feels pain, everyone goes through hard times why do you have to harm yourself using the reason “pain”. Well, self-harm is the act of someone either cutting themselves, hitting themselves or starving themselves for the sake of finding an escape. It is the point of torture and pain that they can’t handle it mentally and tend to feel that physical pain is much better.

So, when someone thinks “why would you harm yourself just because of pain” ask yourself what kind of pain someone must be feeling to feel the need to harm themselves. It’s not like they scratch the surface of their skin, most self-harmers cut through their skin to the point that they would need stitches and will leave behind a much visible scar. With most self harmers, it’s always a secret that even the stitches they need, the do it themselves or just let it heal with no stitches. Now why would someone cause themselves such pain for no reason or for the most used phrase “attention”. The pain hidden within is one which is hardly understood by someone who hasn’t been through it before. The person who is going through a mental struggle can as well find it hard to explain.

The mind is a mysterious organ. It can bring someone so much pain and there is no way to shut it down. The thoughts will run through your mind no matter how hard you try to block them away. Everyone always has some means of escape. Self-harming of any kind is a way of numbing the pain.

“If I cause myself physical pain maybe I can make the mental pain go away”.

It might feel like the only sort of remedy for the pain but harming yourself is never the answer. Sometimes the urge to pick up the blade or to punch a wall might be so strong that you can’t stop yourself. Often the pain can get you to the breaking point and it’s understandable to want to escape from it, make the pain go away. To self-harmers, when they have a mental breakdown, the mind (yet again the organ that helps you think) will tell you that the only way to make yourself feel better is to physically harm yourself. Some might battle with the urge, a very hard battle, and win but most fail. With the failure come for disappointment within one’s self. Feeling like I would stop myself but I was to weak to stop it.

BUT,

No, you are not a failure. You simply doing the best you can to heal. Some days you succeed and other days you have a small setback, a tiny scar to remind you of how strong you can be. The scars tell your story of ho you fought and won. You could have succumbed to the pressures of the mind an ended your life all together (tragic) but yet here you are still fighting a good fight. Your scars are your strength. Yes, they are “disgusting” or “shameful” but look at it from this view. You were in a dark place and did what you had to do to survive. Never feel ashamed to have scars either on your arm, stomach or thighs. Anyone who finds them disgusting then they shouldn’t even be in your life. Those marks are yours to have proudly, to remind you of where you don’t want to go back to.

Don’t do it! It might seem like you need to but don’t! if the urge is too strong just draw with a marker where you want to harm yourself. Keep away from any sharp objects to avoid temptation and any time you feel like you want to harm yourself talk to a friend you trust. Keep yourself occupied! Stay busy! Avoid triggers! Avoid stress! You will heal and be better than before. You are strong and you are this blog’s unicorn warrior!

Stay Safe, Stay Happy

 

 

 

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THE ACNE TRAGEDY

It’s been what? A whole month and more since I even opened my blog. I’ve just been going around this Nairobi like I do not have work to actually do. Like I do not have writing to do. Like I do not have blogs plans piling and other writings piling up that need to be worked on. The other day I was telling my friend that “I am a lazy writer” and everyone knows the last thing I writer needs to be is lazy! I always sing about consistency but I preach water and drink wine. Apologies my dear readers, this writer intends to do better and be better!

There is a time and age where your skin is smoother than a baby’s bum. Your face will be glowing for days and you don’t have a single spot on your face. Those were the days of glory; those were the days the only thing your face saw was a bar of soap and vaseline. Then you wake up one day and there is a big pimple on your face. Shining brighter than the face right there in the middle of your forehead. That would be the day when disaster stroked.  You think it’s just going to be that one pimple but over months, they get more and they become acne scars because you can’t resist to pop them.

Sweet, sweet teenage hormones. So, hello fellow acne infested human. There different types of acne raging from it being a serious condition to being easily manageable. Some people get so lucky and don’t get a single acne through out their lives (thank your gods) while others we pray, fast, offer burn sacrifices but our face look like chapatis! Especially when your much lighter with little black spots scattered over your face, not a good look. For some acne is usually over the whole face, others cheeks, other the forehead. Does it depend on your hormones?

Throughout high school I had really clear skin, that glow was blinding then I joined campus. That’s when my body decided “let’s unleash the demons”. Acne most affects my cheeks and jaw line, not only the period acne but there just constantly there fuelled with allergies. Allergies make acne worse, because they come ready to destroy my skin. Like any young adult wanting to fit in a society which praises good skin I started trying different types of skin products to clear my face. I watched countless YouTube videos to get a constant skin care routine. The acne obviously disturbed me and was a huge insecurity for me. Make up has never been a deal for me but I needed to hide the acne from the world and try achieve a flawless look.

That’s when my mum started saying “don’t worry they will clear by the time your 30”. Well hell no, I am in my 20s and I need that flawless skin to be seen as beautiful and fit in this cruel society. Of course, I don’t want to wait till I’m 30 to get good skin, I want it now. Different products work differently for everyone. You need to get that perfect product and routine that will work for you. My routine included, exfoliating and lots of face masks.

My skin wasn’t that bad, just a few black spots here and there with just a few pimples. So, your girl decided to try the Garnier products because it was praised for amazing results. So, I included the products in my routine. Personally, I used the micellar water and face wash for a period of weeks to see if they will work so I could include their other products. Like I said different products work differently, while it worked perfectly for others, they didn’t work for me. I got worse breakouts than before making me more insecure.

After cutting the products out of my routine, I decided to listen to my mum and stop using various products on my skin and just keep it simple. My skin care routine changed to first steaming my face, then I apply natural coconut oil (to know if coconut oil is natural, it will be liquid in hot temperatures then solidify in cold temperatures) and simply wash my face with soap. Afterwards I’ll apply natural olive oil on my damp skin.

On days I feel I’ve applied heavy makeup; I will exfoliate with face scrub and apply a clay mask which are good for sensitive skin. I also stopped apply makeup a lot because I realized my skin doesn’t like too much product and the obvious number one rule never sleep with makeup on (I did that one time and woke up with breakout and rashes). That’s what works for me, its all about finding what works perfectly for your skin and sticking to that.

I started being okay with my acne and not letting it bother me so much because I know sis is beautiful regardless. These days I totally prefer the natural face look without an ounce of makeup. I get fewer breakouts now and I’m try to manage the black spots. So, baby girl or baby boy don’t let acne frustrates you to apply all sorts of products on your skin. A lot of products can also b harmful to your skin so why not just make it simple.

Remember to find your niche!

Stay safe, Stay happy!

THE REALITY OF GRIEF

I don’t understand grief, I don’t know how it really feels to loose someone I love and care about. Not loosing like we no longer talk but loosing a person to the universe. Knowing in my mind that I will wake up tomorrow and not see them again, they won’t be there to talk to me, walking around with the knowledge that they are truly gone. I have lost people but not someone really close to me to the point that loosing them also takes away a piece of my soul. But I am surrounded with people who have gone through such loss. I may not completely understand their pain, understand your pain as a reader who has lost someone close but somehow (I don’t know how) I understand the pain mentally.

So, this is for you who has had a rough couple a months. It’s for you that has to wake up and put a brave face on each morning when all you want to do is cower away from the light of the world. This is for you who feels like it will never get better, for you that feels like you are alone. This is just for you! And for you who has a friend going through such an ordeal.

Grieving for a loved one is a really personal journey. Even though there is a mutual relationship between two people who share the same loose, each person goes through the pain by themselves. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the pain. For some it’s easy and for other it’s really really hard. If it turns out to be really hard for you, do not feel like your weak. You are just as strong and have so much compassion for feeling all the pain you feel. Comparing your healing process to another’s will only make it harder for you to deal with your loss. It’s not and will never be something you get by with someone else. You just have to do it by yourself, in your own terms and at your own pace.

The hardest time of grieving is one week after the burial. When everyone has gone back to their normal lives and life starts to move on again. That is the moment it hits you the hardest. The moment when reality starts to kick in and at that time you are just by yourself. All the emotions will come rushing to your mind and you will breakdown. You will continue to break down from that week onwards. What’s the reality of loss, is it just gets worse. No matter what anyone tells you or tries to make you understand. What is lost can not be retrieved. Acknowledging your pain and accepting your pain is everything. Yes, you are in pain. The pain you go through is unseen from others. The “us” who are not going through such pain can not be able to understand what makes you act the way you do. No one needs solutions from others on how to get by. All someone needs is understanding, someone to see your pain, acknowledge it, to hold your hand, to offer a shoulder to cry on, to offer a listening ear as you walk through the hole you have in your soul. Someone to understand that they can not fix you no matter how hard they want you to get back to normal.

No one is ever ready to say goodbye or let go of someone they love. Even in break ups it’s never easy, I can only but imagine the pain for someone to say goodbye knowing they will not come back. Everyone else around goes back to the daily lives. Your friends go back to usual business, your family members will also try to adjust to life as it and get by on their own way. Life is so merciless and that what’s makes grieving so hard. The world keeps spinning, life moves on, the show must go on. There is no time for you to take a step off the moving train and decide you want to take a breather. You still have responsibilities to attend to regardless of your loss. You can’t decide to fall of the wagon. You just have to get up, put on your best smile, dry off your tears and face the world head on. You carry them around hidden from the rest of the world. Hidden only in your memories. Your friends are supportive, yes but as time goes by they run out as well and fall back to their usual routine. All assuming, of course, it’s been weeks s/he is going to be just fine. They eventually stop asking you how you’re doing or checking up on you every two seconds. They burn to ask you,

“when are you going to move on from this?”

But will you even have an answer when asked? You have no idea when that will happen or if it will ever happen. But thats the painful reality, going on with life. The guilt of going on with your life. There is no need for the guilt. This life is hard. The pain is hard, but the gift we have is the love we hold for the ones we can no longer hold. On the days that the world tells you to “heal” or “move on”, shut them out. The pain is not like the pain from a broken hand or a sickness like a flu. The loved one was not a fricking broken leg, they were and will always be a piece of their soul. You will heal but just not how the world wants you to. You will breathe a little easier, smile a little genuinely. The longing might never ever leave but that’s just the fierceness of your love!

Grieving a loss is like living two lives; one where you pretend you are fine and the other where your heart screams silently in pain. I won’t write here that time heals all wounds. Who I’m I to say time will heal the pain, but I will say it does help with the pain. Death changes everything but time changes nothing, grief is not something you complete but rather endure. After a while you will start to cry a little less. The days will seem a bit brighter. You will start to wake up and feel a little lighter. You will start to smile more and even have really great days. You will find yourself going about your day and their memory comes to mind, you tear up a bit, you cry that really ugly cry and that’s okay. There days when you will wake up and the pain is back. The sadness comes rushing back and you stay in bed the whole day. You cry the whole day. That’s okay as well. Times just makes things better. The hole will become a scar, a scar that never fades. “You will survive” that’s what you’re told after you loose someone. You know what, they’re right. You Will Survive, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow. What is often left out is that surviving and being happy are not the same thing. So I hope you find happiness even within the broken pieces. “When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough you fix them. But unfortunately some things don’t break they shatter. But when you let the light in shattered glass will glitter and in those moments when the shattered glass catch the light, you will remember just how beautiful it was….Cause that’s what you had with them magic”

(Special Message)

“Hey, you are amazing. You are strong. You are a unicorn warrior. You are a survivor. You are amazing. We may not tell you that everyday or check up on you everyday because we know that you have to go through this journey have yourself and find the healing that you need. We know that you are strong and able to get by. All we can do is offer a hand for you to squeeze when you want to, a hand to help you walk through the rocky paths, a shoulder to cry on and a way to make your days less gloomy. We need you to know what we proud of you and that you will have happiness in the darkest of days. Life is never fair and it will never throw to us something we can’t handle. When you need a good cry, we can always promise to be there to cry with you and make you laugh those ugliest of laughs. Grief is something personal and very painful but we most surely don’t talk to you every single day about it but we feel your pain (don’t know how) but we do and we pray for you every single day! You are loved by many and the entire Broke Not Broken Family”

Was this helpful? I tried to walk a mile in someone’s shoes who has lost someone and I can’t even start to fathom their pain. Please remember your friends and family in your prayer and don’t be scared to talk to them.

Stay safe stay happy 💋

“TIME OF THE MONTH”

Basically the daily life of girl is as normal as it can ever be. You wake up in the morning, afternoon, evening whatever time you choose; if you have matters to attend to, you take a shower and proceed to get ready for the day. You go about your day just like any other human being on this earth. Trying to get by, end the day well and get a good night sleep.

But there those days!

Those three – seven days a week every month!

We are snatched a whole week of our daily lives!

A girl, a lady, a woman has to be one of the strongest human species. I mean, we have to be the stronger species, right? Can a male species walk a day in that one week of the month? By the end of it they will be glad they were born male. It’s not just a week where a girl gets to just bleed out, finish the cycle and go on with her life as usual. It’s not just popping a pain reliever pill and that’s it, wait it out.

No…no it’s not.

I believe from the moment you experience your first period that is it for the rest of your life till menopause. It’s start from the ovulation process, you get me right? There some women who don’t get to experience cramps twice in a month. Heeh while they’re others who go through the torture twice a month. First during the ovulation phase…why does it have to feel like a person is literally cutting of the ovum from the ovary with the bluntest knife they can get! It’s the type of pain that I don’t think can even be explained to someone until they actually experienced it. At some point you even feel like the ovary is actually going to just fall off. It’s at that moment you look at someone and say,

“Yooh wanna trade ovaries for a day?”

It can cripple someone in bed for some good few hours of the day. All you want to do is curl in bed, a sofa, the ground and not even move an inch. Just get a comfortable place and just lay there for some hours until the ovulation nonsense is over. Lemme tell you even moving an inch can cause a spiral of pain through the abdomen!Apart from even the stupid pain, there is the nausea, the back pain, the uncontrollable mood swings!! All this and a girl out there has to go to work, to class or a matter she can’t avoid. Hands down ovulation pain, even for those few hours, is hella torture.

I usually pray to my God, fast, offer burnt sacrifice that the ovulation phase just finds me when I’m at home. A place where I can lie down and not have to walk around. I can’t imagine starting to explain to someone why I’m walking hunched over like the “Hunchback of Norte Dame” as I clutch to one side of my lower abdomen. Or why I keep licking salt all the time, it’s to stop the nausea (that’s the method I use to stop feeling nauseous, I either lick salt or some sugar then drink a bunch of water!!!). “Why don’t you take pain killers?” Oh trust me, I’m sure a girl does but those shits don’t do anything! Have they invented pain killers specifically for ovulation pain? I would really like to know where they’re sold, I just stock them 😅

Like the best ovulation phase wasn’t enough, two weeks later the little symptoms start acting up again. If it’s not the back feeling like it’s breaking, it’s your boobs giving you one hell of a time. Have you ever had to run or walk down a flight of stairs while holding on to your boobs? Yeah, cause you don’t want them to move even the slightest? I get you sis! Then there those girls who get mad cravings during the menstrual cycle. And the moods swings! Never forget about the mood swings. And what is up with this hormonal pimples though? They are so huge, shining and at a place where everyone can freaking notice. If it’s not in the middle of your forehead, it’s on the chin! Also why are they so fucking painful?! Do they really have to be painful? They are already huge, un-hidden and shinning like the morning star! Also ever just started feeling sad out of nowhere and just started crying for no good reason then three days later, auntie flow comes to pay a visit? Four days later, you’re like,

“I knew I wasn’t a weak bitch!!”

Then the onset of cramps, the stupid, annoying pain that comes and goes every few minutes. At that point, your bleeding like a fool (and don’t you dare sneeze cause you know what happens sis, right?) but your abdomen has turned into a war zone. Like a million people with six inch stilettos are having a marathon race on your poor poor abdomen! That aside, a girl has to go to work because having your period is no excuse to skip work or class. Woman be walking around full on loosing blood and also putting on a brave face like her abdomen isn’t being sliced continuously. Does any other girl feel like pain killers or cramp pain relievers don’t do shit? You can almost overdose on those little pills trying to numb the pain. The hot water bottle helps, just relaxing on your bed with a hot water bottle on your belly eating some unhealthy foods has to be the best way to spend those four to seven days. Buuuut how? How do you walk around with a hot water bottle strapped to your abdomen? How? Any way I can do that? Lemme know, I totally would!

Then someone asks (actually read this on Twitter), you’ve been going through that pain for years shouldn’t you be used to it by now? Bruuuh I ask my uterus the same question every month! But if you get your leg cut every month wouldn’t you still feel the same pain? Or will you get used to the pain? Same goes for the uterus, it goes through the same contractions every month and we feel the same pain every month. There is no getting used to this type of pain, all one can do is endure it for a few days, forget about it and go through it again the next month and the next and the next. It’s funny how the brain forgets period pain immediately when it stops.

Women have to go about their day, take care of another human being, make a living while still experiencing shitty days. Cause the world doesn’t stop just because you have your period, you have to just endure it. Bruh shit is painful, like no lady ever exaggerates about it. If she says she feels like she is dying, she legit feels like she’s dying! Sometimes they don’t even talk about the extent of it. Yooh women are just a wonder of the world!!!!

“My heart goes out to every girl out there going through endometriosis. Stay strong and keep fighting. Even us girls who experience bad period cramps can not compare to the pain of endometriosis. We can not even start to imagine. It must be hard and painful to go through such pain each and every month but remember to keep smiling through the pain and always stay strong! The Broke Not Broken Family is proud of you.”

Stay safe, stay happy 💋

DON’T INVALIDATE STRUGGLES!

When it comes to struggles, everyone goes through their own hardships in their own way. While you might be living your best life, someone else might be having the worst year of their lives. Also you might be going through some hardships the same way another person is enduring some tough times. One persons struggle can never be the same as the other! No one should compare their struggles to others or even judge. To judge someone’s struggles based on your own is uncalled for.

Just because someone thinks that their hardship are worse does not give them a right to judge others.

“I have major depression, yours is just a minor minor one! You have no idea what it feels like!”

“Having anorexia is not being sick, your just starving yourself compared to something who has cancer!”

“How can you be sad and yet there is someone out there wishing to be in your shoes!”

All that invalidating people’s struggles should come to a stop. Undermining mental health should come to a immediate stop! Mental health is just a disease just like any other disease. Just because someone is not physically sick doesn’t mean they are not unwell. The mind can be unwell and that is just as important. The need to degrade someone because of their mental state is malicious.

Comparing a depressed person to someone who has cancer will not miraculously make them better. Matter of fact it will make them worse. Because at that point they will start to feel that they actually do not matter compared to someone else. They will feel that their situation is not important and that’s not the case at all. Once you start invalidating someone’s struggles, they also start to tell themselves that, “yes I really don’t matter, feeling like this is not that important.”

Putting more impure thoughts into the mind of someone who is already struggling to keep their thoughts positive is really not necessary. Mental struggle is also a disease. Yes, you are sick! Yes you need professional help. Yes you can be admitted because of being depressed, anorexic, bipolar and the likes. Being mentally ILL is a sickness and should never be compared to any other sickness.

You can not say someone is not suffering just because you are suffering more, does that make sense? If person A let’s say has hormonal depression and Person B has major depression does not mean that Person A is not allowed to feel sad or express their emotion just because they don’t have it rough like Person B. They are still going through tough times no matter how minor it might seem to someone else.

You shouldn’t feel like you don’t need to struggle because someone else said that your struggles are not worth it. Every tiny struggle is worth it! No matter what the struggle, they are valid to YOU. Your mental health is important to only YOU. Not anyone else! Just YOU! Everyone to walk through their path by themselves. It is a personal journey, not a partnership. Someone can hold your hand through it but not tell you how to walk through it. Walk it by yourself, the way you see fit.

Going through worse moments in life doesn’t give anyone the authority to undermine others. Don’t let them get to you, if you feel something then it is real and it matters. It doesn’t matter whether it feels minor to others nothing anyone says should make you feel invalid. No one knows your experience. No one has lived a day in your mind to invalidate your pain.

Your pain is just as important and deserves to felt, healed and even talked about! Even if someone has gone through worse or even the same experience, it is still YOUR pain. Even if it could have been avoided, even if it was because of a heartbreak, even if it happened a long time ago, even if it’s because of emotions, even if no one knows about it. Your pain is real and valid and just like anyone else you need space to heal and talk about it without being judged.

You are not being desperate or seeking attention, you’re just but going through a rough patch that even though no one understands it is still very much valid.

Your feelings matters, your pain matters, your experiences matter, your healing matters and no one can take that away from you ~ Daniell Koepke

P.S: Talking it out always help. If you feel like you need to talk to someone my inbox is always open and I’m always ready to listen and help where need be! If you’re scared of telling your friends or family, don’t be afraid to talk to your friendly blogger. Always ready to lend a shoulder!

Stay safe, stay happy 💋

A SURVIVOR IS A HERO!

In a world full of unseen demons and monsters, one’s choice is usually to escape from it.

To run from their problems.

To try and escape their troubles.

Even for a few seconds.

To hide their pain. Deny their suffering. Accepting the demons they hide will always be a problem. A problem not shared but rather hidden. They all look at you, wondering what the hell is wrong with this person?! She is always happy and smiling. Always the one to bring joy to someone face and make someone smile.

They have never seen a day when she was sad or having a bad day. She talks friendly to everyone and never a day passes without having a good time. But what they don’t know is what happens after she goes back home. During the nights when she cries herself to sleep. Trying so hard not to end her life. That tomorrow will be better. That tomorrow someone will notice her pain. Someone will reach out to you and offer to listen, help or comfort her.

The night to her is always young. The night is like bright day to her when all her demons come to play. Sitting in the darkness, the voices never fail to cripple her mind. The darkness matches her mind and it offers some sort of comfort. With the never ending thoughts she shields her cries with her pillow every night. Screaming her pain into the pillow, to let out the frustration, in a way only her can hear. Her screams get swallowed by the pillow so her secret is safe. Her pillow has soaked so many tears.

Held so many cries of pain.

Cries of help.

Yes, she cries but then she wipes her tears, puts a smile on her face and keeps living. A new day always dawns and she washes her face of any pain it held. Turns the frown to a smile. Battle with the monsters within. Well, sometimes it does get hard. She feels like she can’t do it anymore, she can’t fight anymore. The demons are weighing her down. It feels like she has nothing to live for anymore. What harm will it do to just take a few pills? No one ever seems to understand.

They talk!

They gossip!

They despise!

They just don’t understand!

But she has to survive no matter how hard it gets. How painful it feels. Even though it becomes overwhelming, Survive. Don’t listen to the voices. When everything comes crushing down and you feel like you can’t go on, Survive. She takes a breathe, wipe the tears, shrug the dust and puts on a smile. Just like any other day all she has to do is survive one more day!

A single step forward is a start of a journey. A journey of survival. Her journey.

A survivor, is a hero!

(A short encouragement to my warrior unicorns! Remember being depressed or sad or any tough situation is not a permanent state. It comes and goes like the clouds and the sun will shine again. The sun might disappear for a while but it always comes back. It takes a lot for someone to be happy and get back to themselves! We the Broke Not Broken Family is proud of you! Let’s live to fight another day!!)

Stay strong stay happy 💋

JUST ONE MORE DAY!

Some people tend to think suicide is selfish. It’s not. Never has been, never will be. Someone is not selfish because they decide they have had enough of being around anymore. It might look selfish to others but a person doesn’t just come to the decision to end their life and leave the people they love in agony.

It has to be a process before one finally reaches the point where they take their own life. It’s the very last symptom of the demon haunting them day and night. With those demons, you don’t control your thoughts they control you! Can you just imagine for just a few seconds, the pain someone must have been going through to decide enough is enough. For someone to think that it’s better to be dead than keep going through what they are going through, it has to be hard. It is sad, painful and a tragedy. If you have never reached that edge before you can’t possibly understand but this writing will help you understand. Well, try and help you understand the best way it can. So don’t judge just read, listen, help and understand.

The thoughts never hit you at 3am when you’re alone (of course you think and toss at that hour) but it hits worse at 3pm when someone is laughing with their friends, hanging out with family. They are halfway through the laugh and they just stop. It hits worse when you realize how happy your friends are but you’re not and you just don’t know why. Most of the time they have no one to talk to even though they are surrounded by friends and family. That is why some things are done in secret. That is why someone cuts themselves in the dark or hidden, someone throws up in private and someone takes their life in private. They are not being selfish, they are more of scared of what you’ll think or even taking care of you so you don’t have to worry.

Listen or better yet read, just don’t do it!

You might feel like you have the entire world on your shoulders. Like you have no one on your side, that you are all alone. You might be feeling like not being around is the only way you can help yourself. Quiet the voices. Chase away the demons. To reach the point that you want it all to end, is a point where most of us can’t even start to understand. Someone can’t even try to start understanding what drives someone to the edge of their own world. What can I say? It’s just the pain, the emptiness, the hurt, their demons, the voices, their insecurities, the lack of drive to live anymore. No one can actually pin point what drives someone to do it, do what? Commit suicide.

The feeling of despiser and worthlessness that a human can be going through has to be deep. At that point must someone be feeling like they have nowhere they belong, no one cares about them, they are no longer important. They just want it all to end.

“I just don’t want to exist anymore!”

Even though no one around seems to get what your going, just don’t do it! It must be hard to even focus on anything but not wanting to exist. But let’s do it this, stick around for one more just one more day. When night comes whisper to yourself,

“I made it through today, I will make it through tomorrow. Just one more day.”

All you need, all everyone needs is one more day. Who knows what will happen within those 24 hours. A stranger might smile at you, compliment you or even reach out to you. A friend may talk to you and you might just open up for your own benefit. A friend might notice your change of behavior. Someone, anyone might change your life just because you decided to stick around for one more day. It might not be much to live on with, but at least it’s something. That phrase will not take away your sadness, your pain, the emptiness you feel. It might not make anything better but it will keep you around for another day and another day and another day. Within those 24 hours if the voice comes and tells you just end it, you don’t deserve it. Do the most cliche thing and call anyone and just talk aimlessly about anything. They don’t need to know what’s going on, what we’re doing here is keeping you around and taking care of you!

The rest of us just need to notice the changes in our friends and family. We need to be there to listen. We don’t need to give a solution because you can’t give a solution to something you don’t even understand. Just listen and show you care, show we care. To keep him/her around so much longer.

Repeat, repeat, “Just one more day”

Even with tears in your eyes, “Just one more day”

JUST ONE MORE DAY!

Stay safe stay happy 💋

THE PRESSURE OF SOCIETY

So I am seated trying to finalize my school project thinking about how I’m not graduating school and yet I’ve done four years already. Yes I will stay another year, yes I will finish my entire law studies after one more year than is required. Why do I feel so stressed and disappointed in myself? My brother is sitting next to me and he is a very unique character so we started talking about society timelines. How as a student I should graduate after four years, I should get a job first before getting a child. How I should wait for this particular time to have a family. How the society dictates that a law degree should only take four year and after that your just a failure. Why did you even do law if you weren’t going to graduate within the stipulated time frame? Something must seriously be wrong with you.

Then I asked my brother,

“Don’t you think the society puts so much pressure on us as youths?”

He simply just said,

“I really don’t care what society thinks.”

This 16 year old just told me he doesn’t give a damn about society! Yet, me a whole 20 something year old is feeling stressed and anxious about everything to do with the society. I’m not going to graduate so I’m a failure. I don’t have that many friends so antisocial. I feel insecure about my body so I’m weird. I am battling depression so I’m an attention seeker. The society can affect so many of us to think that we are not perfect. To feel like we have to change a part of a life so that we can fit in. Personally I have felt that since I became a teenager. Trying to be pretty with a good body and smart brains. Then when life turned upside down, I felt like a failure.

I became this extremely sad human being, this girl who couldn’t eat and lost a lot of weight. I even felt worse when I realized I’m not graduating within my time frame. Education has always been a core point for me and I’m sure for other people as well. I always want to prove to my dad that I am smart and I can do it all. But I didn’t, did I? So obviously I feel like a complete failure. At this point your thinking “nitaambia nini watu” (what will I tell people). I feel like everyone will judge me for not graduating then my brother told me “he doesn’t care about society and that I’ll graduate when I graduate”.

So why do I care about what society thinks? Why I’m I letting it affect me yet they don’t contribute anything to my wellbeing? At the end of the day won’t I have a law degree, won’t I start being happy again, won’t I achieve success? At the end of it all won’t I be who I always wanted to be it doesn’t matter if it will take ten years or five years. Why does time frame have to dictate my life and my choices? What if I decide to take a gap year from school and just pursue my writing? So what if I wanted to have a child? Ain’t I of the right age and capable of raising a child if I see fit? If I decide to get married now I’m sure most people will judge me, my parents will for sure want to kill me and yes society will inwardly will be thinking she is throwing her life away. Does that mean I won’t be a good, successful advocate?

No one should give a damn about society. Yes there is pressure to act a certain way and be a certain way. But this pressure is what will ruin your life. It’s ruining mine and it will ruin yours. It will prevent you from living your life the way you want to. Living your life following what society thinks is not living. Trying to be like everyone else is not living. Aiming to be perfect in the eyes of society is not living. Are you truly happy bringing yourself down just because you haven’t followed the timelines of society? So what if you take years to graduate, so what if you don’t get married by the time your 30, so what if you don’t have a family by the time your 30 and so what if you have a child when your 20.

I still ask myself,

“Won’t people think I’m stupid?”

“Won’t they start talking about me?”

“Won’t they laugh at my failures and mock me?”

For someone with depression or anxiety issues that can be a big deal. Just the thoughts alone can throw you over the edge. It’s always about the thoughts that haunt you even when your wide awake. The constant thinking of how others view you. Let me not get started on the overthinking. Then your mind tells you you’re a failure, then your body feels like a failure, then you start an endless train of thoughts where you belittle yourself. Then without knowing your stuck in bed, staring at the wall tears running down your face wondering where you went wrong. You look at yourself in the mirror and it’s sad how your ribs are showing and your thigh bone is protruding and how your body is just horrible. Once again you’ve fallen into the trap of depression. Once again you are the prisoner of your own mind. Shutting down the thoughts doesn’t come easy, you try but they are still there.

The pressures of society shouldn’t get you down. Are they the ones paying your school fees, feeding you, do they know your health status or mental status? Dude as long as you get that degree, secure that bag fuck what society thinks! (I am saying this while I can not stop caring about what society thinks, we are in this together)

When my brother told me that statement it when I started to change my mindset. I sat there and thought at the end of it all I’ll still be an advocate it doesn’t matter when, right? I should really stop being so hard on myself because I am actually doing great. I speak openly about my battles with depression, I still try and study even when I feel like absolute shit, I laugh and go out with my friends, I view life at a different angle than I did a year ago…..so yeah I don’t care what society thinks. So what if I fall behind one year, the society won’t know why and they’ll never know why. Use my issue of not graduating in time as a metaphor for any timeline in your life and just stop and think for a minute or two, “what benefit I’m I getting by bringing myself down just because of what I did or where I am in life?”

So moral story of the day,

“Stop being so hard on yourself, you are doing great.”

Stay safe stay happy 💋

P.S: note to self since your not sure about your damn life anymore you’re going to write a book on mental health. Who’s going to purchase a book if I do write one? You Are Not Alone should be a reality, true or true?

HOW WILL THEY?

What’s the saddest part about being depressed or having an eating disorder? The fact that you can’t tell your family about it or even your friends. You can’t approach your parents and open up to them about your depression. You can’t sit down with your friends and narrate to them an hour long story of how “you don’t feel like yourself”. How will you even start explaining to your family that you sometimes don’t feel like yourself. That sometimes you feel an overwhelming wave of sadness that you can’t shake off. That sometimes all you want to do is wallow in self pity, in bed just staring at the wall. How do you start explaining to your parents that the child they have is not their child anymore. That their child is long gone.

Their child changed many years ago. Their friend has not been the same for months. Their child now feels worthless and useless. How do you even start explaining how you don’t feel enough? You don’t feel enough to who? When they give you everything you ask for, when you’ve lived a pretty decent life. How do you even start explaining depression to your parents when all they see is a happy child every single time? How will they understand that once the lights go off and everyone goes to sleep, that you cry yourself to sleep every night. That every night your demons come to play and leave you exhausted. That the demons leave you with dark thoughts that haunt you during the day. That the thoughts get darker each and every night. That some nights you lay awake cursing at yourself for being the way you are.

How do you get them to understand that your mind can’t let you eat? That your body is resisting to take in food even when it knows that food is important. That your dark thoughts imprint in your mind that you are not worth it, so you don’t even deserve to eat. That when you think of eating it hurts. What does it even hurt? How will you explain to them that when they place a plate of food in front of you, it takes every ounce of strength to even eat half the plate. How do you explain to them and make them understand that you just can’t eat? How can you not eat? You’ve been eating since you were born? It’s something natural that every human being does. Yet here you are trying to tell them that somehow your mind fills you with thoughts that you don’t need to eat. That if you don’t eat, maybe, just maybe you’ll feel a bit better about yourself.

Will they even understand the struggle your going through? Will they finally see behind the happy smiles and the laughter. Will they start to notice the flicker of sadness in your eye every now and then? Will they notice how sometimes you grow quiet and just stare into thin air? Will they understand that sometimes you just want to stay in bed all day? Will they finally be ready to help you get by? How will they understand something you don’t even understand yourself? How will they understand that it comes and goes like a visitor? That sometimes it stays for a week and other times it stays for months. Will they understand that when you don’t want to eat, it’s getting bad again? Will they understand that even privileged young children can get depressed? Will they accept that their child has an eating disorder? Will they understand that your heart was broken and you are damaged and you are doing all you can to get back to yourself again?

Hope they do, cause you always need someone there to help you through such a journey. You can decide to go through it alone but you always need someone to hold your hand. A single friend can help so much in overcoming a mental health problem. Spread the love, spread kindness. Your friend, your sister, your brother, your son or your daughter might be battling a very bad and silent battle. They don’t have to come right out and tell you. All you need to do is start being attentive to the little details. When someone stops doing the things they loved doing it can be a little sign that something is happening in their life. Being attentive to someone close to you shows you care. They might not want to talk but by you reaching out to them will show them just how much you care. They might not be ready to open up but at least they know when their ready they have someone to talk to. They know that they have people who care for them. Something to make them fight a little longer. Something to make them stay alive!

Just fight a little longer my friend, it’s all worth it in the end. And when you go nobody to turn to just hold on and I’ll find you

Stay safe, stay happy 💋

EVEN ROSES HAVE THORNS!

Why do we feel the pressure to be perfect all the time? What is the reason that someone feels like they have to portray this picture-perfect life? Be it on the internet, or even in real life. Where in the stones of knowledge was it written that someone has to be 100% perfect all the time?

No, you do not have to be perfect. Your life doesn’t have to be a joyride in the park or a bed of roses. Even roses have thorns and they prick us every once in a while. What you choose to do when that happens is what determines how strong you are as a person. Just because your life is a bit in shackles at the moment doesn’t necessarily mean that your whole life is sh*%. That shouldn’t force you to ensure that everyone thinks you have an amazing life. It shouldn’t make you want to show how happy and content you are with life.

Why do people have to live a life full of lies? Why does someone feel the need to be seen as this happy person? With this amazing life, luxurious lifestyle? Some can say that it’s chasing the paper, trying to secure the bag. Securing the bag while trying so hard to hide what really is within you. Who knows, maybe what you’re tying so hard to hide is what will give you that break you need. It might end up being very useful to just one person.

Being sad once in a while is a very natural feeling for every human. Feeling emotions is part of who we are as humans. Just because you feel down today, tomorrow, for a few weeks doesn’t and will never make you any less of a human. The human brain is a very tricky organ, every now and then it needs a break to recharge to take care of our bodies. Having a few imbalances in the brain which make you depressed, bipolar, anxiety or whatever shouldn’t make you think any less of yourself! It is very natural to have setbacks in life. It’s called being human. Clearly that’s what you are! A human being with emotions.

Yes, feeling a little or even very hurt over a breakup or loose of someone is once again very normal in this life. People, mostly our own friends, make others feel like having emotions and being hurt is such an awful thing that it makes you cower away from them. You feel in your body that your very heartbroken because you lost that one person you truly love, but because of society you hide your pain and act like your fine. Put on that brave smile, go out with your friends and still do the same things you were used to do. When all you want to do is sit in bed, watch movies, stuff your face and cry. Which you should be able to do if it’s what will get to a healthier place again! This logic of always looking happy doesn’t make sense and can be very toxic with time. Keeping feelings locked up will one day blow up and that’s won’t be good right?

So why not put on your real face. If you don’t want to talk to people, don’t talk to anyone and just take a day for yourself or even two! Take as many days as you feel is needed to feel like yourself again. If you want to cry, you know what? Just cry, let those tears flow. Scream into your pillow and let the hurt out. No matter the gender, male or female. Men cry too and who says it makes them any less of a man. It’s expressing emotion, and that’s very beautiful. If you want to laugh for no reason, laugh your heart out. Look crazy who cares your taking care of yourself. If you want to travel, pack a bag, get a ticket and just go! Take time for yourself and your happiness. Don’t go searching for happiness elsewhere, trying to portray that “picture-perfect” life. You don’t owe anyone anything in this world. You don’t owe those people anything by pretending because they won’t reward you or make your life perfect. It’s your life, live it the way you want it to and the real way.

Again and again being depressed is natural, it happens to everyone. Yours might be worse than the one next to you but bottom line is that anyone can be depressed, sad or have a mental break down.

Be kind to yourself!

Let it bleed,

Let it hurt,

Let it go!

Stay safe stay happy 💋

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