BROKE NOT BROKEN #2

You’re stuck in your own world feeling like you will never get better again. Feeling like the whole world is completely against you. You feel like it will never be better again. Those days where you don’t feel like getting out of bed. Your alarm rings and you have shit to do during the day be it going to school or work or to run errands. All you want to do is just stay in bed and close yourself to the world. Your eyes feel heavy, your heart feels like a damn rock, your soul is just tired and there is nothing you want to do!

Yeah there are those bad days and there are those really bad days. On a bad day you will wake up sad but get yourself out of bed, get ready and actually leave the house to do stuff. Even though it’s not your best day, you still have the energy to get out of the house. Then there are those really bad days! The night before you had scheduled stuff to do the next day, set your alarm but when the time to actually wake up reaches you don’t have the strength to get up. The most you do is open one eye to look out the window to check the whether, switch off the alarm, turn to face the wall and sleep again. For a moment you feel a wave of sadness, worthless and loneliness wash over you. At that very moment you forget about everything and just shut down.

It happens to the best of us and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Personally I have skipped many classes just because that morning I woke up and I couldn’t deal with the world. It’s frustrating when all you want to do is get out of bed but your mind holds you a hostage inside of your house. Your mind gets you stuck in your bed with no strength to get yourself to even smile. There will be those voices ringing in the back of your head as you shut your eyes to fall into oblivion.

“Your life isn’t worth it anymore”

“I can’t do this anymore. It’s just too damn hard”

“Why I’m I so damn sad!”

Those voices for sure will never be positive thoughts because your mind is attacking you to make you feel worthless. Again, don’t feel ashamed about it. It happens and it’s okay but don’t stay there too long. Depression happens so whoever tells you it’s “attention” or “you’re too young to be sad” or “there’s nothing like depression just be happy” just sock them in the mouth. Punch them in the stomach m, crush their own existence. If depression was all but a cry for attention then why do people try so hard to hide their pain? Next time you call it a cry for attention ask yourself that question.

When the pain comes, it shall also pass. Do not feel disappointed if you spend a whole day in bed. We all need to whatever it takes to get better and if staying in bed helps you reset then darling stay in that damn bed! However, don’t become a prisoner to your depression. Do not let your mind hold you a hostage and control your life. No matter how hard it is, get yourself to leave that bed. Get ready, do your make up and get pretty (if you’re a girl or a boy who is into make up f*** what anyone else says), dress up and get out of the house. Yes, it will be hard because all you want to do is wallow in pain while getting out of the house will force to smile (even though it’s presence). I do believe being around the people who love you does help a lot!

Or if you do have to stay in the house, you know, there those days that are just awful. Why don’t you call the person you trust most. That person who always makes you laugh and you enjoy their company. Spend the whole day with them. I’m sure you won’t be crying the whole day with them there. And even though you do cry they will be there to hug and comfort you. It’s nice to have someone there with you when depression hits the hardest. They pull even though it’s halfway from the hole of depression. Talking to that one person will lift an entire weight from your chest. You won’t feel 100% okay but you won’t be as bad as you were when you woke up.

I have my own tips of getting out of depression for a day when it’s bad. Some things I’ve been trying for months, I will try and share them with you guys. I always want to spread awareness for mental health and try help someone who is going through mental health problems. We all going through something’s we don’t want to talk about and I hope a blog from someone going through the same might just help you, make you smile or even give you the motivation to get better!

Don’t give up! We still need you right here with us!

Stay safe stay happy 💋

(Photos taken by Elijah Kiko Photography)

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LATE DRUNK NIGHTS!

Aren’t the most unplanned turn ups usually the best? The moment you walk out of a Friday afternoon class and your legs lead you to the liquor store. Oh the good second year of campus. When I thought life was so fun and full of happiness. 2016 was one good year and it should come back tenfold, don’t you think?!

I had a bed sitter to call my own and was always ready to host my friends for one hell of a turn up! Most of the times it is never planned. It involves a simple decision to have a sleepover which turns out to be an entire drunk nights with hilarious stories. Well someone always ends of crying and we don’t have to think too much who it is (yeah it’s me so proud of my emotional side!).

The girls get together, cook a meal and have a good movie playing in the background. Then the devil decides to pass among us.

“Si we just a buy one botti.”

“Eeeh bytha ni how much tuchange”

“Liquor store iko open we go before it gets late”

The devil (yes we are blaming it on the devil) then drags our sorry bums to the liquor store and we buy that one bottle of whiskey we didn’t not expect to buy at all. The whiskey bought, the food almost ready and now the movie playing changes to some hype music! Everyone ready to turn up and have fun. Then the time to take shots comes after everyone one is full and one person is going through some stress! There’s always one girl in the group who is going through a crisis and takes shots after shots after shots. Lemons and salt is there next to the whiskey! Well there is nothing better than whiskey and coke! Drinks go around and the giggling starts.

From dancing around the room, some falling down from laughing way too much the seriousness of the unexpected night begins.

“I can’t believe he broke up with me”

Then viola it turns to a night of abusing every guy in our lives and supporting our sister through it all. Then tears now start to pour and soon everyone is crying and hugging and laughing all at the same time. Drunk calls are made and drunk texts are sent! That is after struggling to get your phone from your besties. It is never a good idea to drunk anything but well a drunk mind is a sober heart and a drunk bitch is always calls the person she loves most first ( if she doesn’t call you when she’s drunk bruh she ain’t yours let her go!)

There are those drunk nights it’s never just the girls, calls are made and it turns into a whole turn up! With games and friends. Which games do adult play other than truth or dare or never have I ever! And those nights are wild and should be left like that. Wild and untold! There memories to always be remembered. The stories you will share with your friends on wedding nights or your 40th birthday! Because some friends from those drunk nights you do plan to carry them with you every single step of your life!

From the laughter, to the dancing, to the terrible singing, to the tears and drunk texts! Drunk nights are nothing but memories with your crazy friends. Do it while you still can!

Stay safe stay happy 💋

21.01.19

Everyone has a special day to themselves. A day that they take to be treated like little kings and queens! In the modern day society, it’s a day you’re picture gets to be on everyone’s status. Your photo is splattered on all statuses and IG post to show how special you are to someone. It shows that someone remembers. That your friend cares about you and loves you.

But does that really show how special you are to someone? Just because someone had your photo on the status for a few hours with the caption

“Happy birthday girl!”

“Happiest birthday to one of my bestest friends ever!”

How does that validate that a person actually cares for you? Does a status or IG post have any prove to the amount someone cares for you? What if the one person who loves you post doesn’t care about posting? Will that rip out your heart? Break your heart (into half) crush your soul (like a peach)? Many people mostly care about a useless post with a cheesy caption to validate how important you are to someone.

A single flower is much more precious than a couple posts. A lunch date or a simple dinner date with chips and soda at a beat down restaurant is much more memorable. A movie night with a good home cooked meal is more printed in your mind. You are bound to forget the photo they posted together with the caption declaring their love and care. But a simple gesture of care will go a million miles and stay in your mind for a long long time!

Not saying a photo and captions are not worth it or enough but it seems like people value them a bit too much. They get hurt when they are not the center of attention on their on birthday. Isn’t the attention from one single person worth it than a million status attention? A person going out of their way to make time for you on your special day to make you feel loved. Ain’t talking about throwing you a huge party with lots of booze and a lit crowd. Think about just your close friend picking you up taking you to a movie or a surprise lunch or even a stay at home thing with drinks, food and a movie. Isn’t that worth all the statuses, IG posts and cheesy captions.

Having bitched out on the statues and captions, I can now laugh at myself when no one posts me on this special day of mine. A birthday is precious. We age everyday, learn something new each and every day. On your birthday you acknowledge that you have completed yet another year safe and sound. You should be grateful for beginning another year, glad that you still have time for more adventures. It’s the day it was decided that you are important to this earth! You were destined to walk on this planet and spread your vibes (hopefully positive ones).

I am more that extremely grateful to begin yet another year of my life. Having being blessed to make more mistakes, learn more lessons, spread more good vibes, inspire more people and be happy! Be nothing but happy. My last year was full of very high highs and very low lows. Lessons were learnt. A new journey begins for me on this very day. A journey I can’t wait to embark on. I am more than ready to fall in love with the process of being the best version of myself! The lessons learnt last year I plan to use them to improve myself. May this journey be full on happiness, joy and improvements! Well I am not growing older just increasing in value.

I’m another year older, wiser and happier!

Happy Birthday To Me!

Stay safe stay happy 💋

11.09.17

Nothing much comes out from meeting up with your friends for a drink and chit chat at your favorite joint in town. You haven’t seen each other in a hot minute so y’all decide to meet up and catch up on the shenanigans in your life. There’s absolutely no talk going on between two girls except lots and lots of gossip! They will gossip from the minute they meet to the very last minute when they each go they’re own ways.

They will talk about each and every guy they met since the last meeting.

“Wah wah by the way I didn’t tell you about this dumb guy I meet the other day!”

“Biiiitch you don’t know the hell I have been through!”

Those are the beginning of very amazing gossips. If you did a girl dirty, baby boy she will tell her friend each and every single detail. She won’t mind if it was embarrassing or not. Talking about embarrassing boy stories is like the epitome of a casual meet up. (Out here giving out secrets of most girl meet up)

So you meet up with your bestie (Koshy), milkshakes in hand and stories waiting to be poured out. Koshy has a story and half to tell you all about her adventures for the last few months! You being the good friend is ready to listen and give out advice which you damn well know she will not listen to. Koshy almost never even came to meet up with you but well the universe always has a way to make two little people meet. Meet why? Maybe for a lesson to learn or cause it will end up being the best thing that happened.

So dragged by the universe to the hang out joint Koshy sat waiting for her friend to finally arrive. Wondering why people don’t know how to keep time at all. Her milkshake halfway done, her friend drags herself to the chair. It’s like a general rule to scream and smile so widely when you see your friend.

“Hiii biiiiitch!”

“Hiii you little whore!”

Well that must be a common greeting in the girl community. If you don’t call you girlfriends bitch or whore are you even friends?! Then the gossiping begin. Pictures were revealed of all type of guys. Looks critiqued. Screenshots made and passed around. Texts analyzed and critiqued. Laughters flow through the entire room! Two girlfriends enjoying each other’s company!

Too engrossed in the conversation the two friends didn’t notice a crowd of people walk into the room. Not until Koshy locked eyes with a certain homo sapien. This is what the universe wanted to happen didn’t it? Damn the universe and its ways to teach people a lesson. The conversation switched from embarrassing stories and advices to the people who walked in through the room.

“Girl tell me you know that guy who just walked in with his friends!”

“Psssht how would I know him but be normal he’s walking this way.”

Koshy is an entire bowl of awkwardness and weird mixed together with 100% shy. She just threw glances at the homo sapien as he conversed with her friend. Smiling every now and then saying the most absurd things. Well wasn’t that the most amazing way to impress the homo sapien! The homo sapien did make an effort to make fun of Koshy every chance he got and make conversation. He didn’t know the zoo that was going on in Koshy’s tummy. Yeah not butterflies, a whole entire zoo! Koshy’s friend being the “embarrassing friend” kept throwing her smirks to make the entire situation even more awkward.

Koshy and her friend having finished their drinks, exhausted all their gossip decided to leave with a promise to meet again soon! On their way out Koshy did the most absurd thing she had ever done! She hugged the homo sapien and was just about to shoot her shot! But then “naah girl you ain’t confident enough for this walk away!” Her friend wouldn’t stop laughing as they walked out into the busy city once again to part their ways. Will the paths with homo sapien and Koshy cross again? Guess will never know.

The promise made between the two friends was broken.

Stay safe stay happy 💋

YET ANOTHER SEMESTER!

As of last week schools opened from kindergarten to universities. It’s like a cardinal rule that nobody goes to school the first and second week. Well the active students will arrive as from the second week, the rest of us will start trying to go to school the third week (emphasis on trying). In first year going to every class was my general rule, by the second semester the general rule was slowly being overruled. Semester after semester attending classes was becoming very minimal. Don’t follow my footsteps because back then I used to go to the library like a fool! I’d study by myself because well, education is very important! Let’s get that degree!!!!!

My second year, first semester was a blur to me and some of my friends. There was a huge mistake made somewhere where myself and two of my close friends in campus were put in the same damn class. We were so excited at first, like “I was going to have people to sit next to in class”. I am not that much of a social person and I rarely make friends, I attract people who feel my vibe, I get very close to them and they are very few of them. So, yeah we were put in the same class which lead to us “chochaing” (encouraging) each other to skip class. Quite frankly I don’t remember going to a single class of my Criminal Law Unit but I have very amazing memories from that semester and that the heavens I didn’t fail that class.

Third year, my little gang got separated and then there were two! I was still very happy I’ll have someone to sit next to and disturb when classes get boring. She is this amazing, tiny human being who is my bubble of joy haha!! So, this time around we got serious and attend most of our classes. The school became a bit strict with attendance and began threatening us to attend class or not get marks for our exams. Well their threats fell to deaf ears because most people still didn’t attend classes. Not attending classes is not for every single student. You skip a class, don’t get notes for that class, don’t make effort to read by yourself, at the end of the semester you fail the unit. Boom go to class kids and don’t skip, well skip if your sure you’ll read later *wink wink*.

Fourth year first semester went by in a flash and here I am in my last year in campus. I can’t say I’m school because after university there is that monster waiting for me called “Kenya School Of Law” but one death at a time. The last year of campus is going to be a huge rollercoaster and full of adventures. I want it to be a hell of an adventure and make it a year worth remembering. With the close friends I have, the classes I will not skip, the research paper I’m going to indulge in soon! If your just starting campus, it will fly by so quickly you won’t even believe it. I feel like just the other day I was in first year, very timid, very scared of everyone and now I’m in my last year of campus with a lot of knowledge both in law and life! The pressure to read and be perfect has pushed my limits to be better. I do know I am such a different person than I was in 2015 when I joined campus (that is a blog for the end of this year). It’s so unbelievable that I am finish yet another chapter of my life. It’s exciting but also very scaring when I think of it. I tend to overthink and make plans for myself which is not healthy, it cause so much heartache and disappointment.

By the end of this year, girl will be no longer a student (for a while). All I’ve know all my life is go to school, read, do exam, have some fun and go back home to my family. I’m getting ahead of myself right, we need to take a chill pill and go with the damn flow! So yet another semester is dawning upon and we shall take it on head strong. Be strong my people and let’s get those degrees!!!!

Stay safe stay happy 💋

IN YOUR 20s

In your 20s your always told that’s it’s going to be the most confusing time in your life. You won’t have a clue of what you want from life and your on the path to discovering yourself. Trying to figure out who you are, what you want and where you want to go. It’s the time where you’ll take a lot of falls but you’ll have to rise up again. Also in your 20s is when you’ll meet a lot of temporary people who will feel like they are there to stay. But two people who have no idea of what they’re doing in life deciding to be together, that’s why some people get hurt.

You’re both confused, one has no idea what to do in life then takes on another person who is also trying to figure out themselves and they call it forever! It’s rare to find someone in their 20s who knows exactly what they want in life, they are there just not as many. Of course they’re those who are working for what they want because they know what they want. Being confused in your 20s is not such a bad thing, I’m in my 20s and I’m also struggling through this life one day at a time.

So you’re there in your 20s at the prime of your life and everything just seems to be going wrong. You’ve never been one to have a stable kind of life so when you meet this guy you find a sense of comfort right? Your friends all gush about you two saying how you’ve finally found someone who makes you happy and you’re like “yes even though everything seems to be shit this is a good guy”. That’s where you are wrong, you believe the good in someone who might have all 50 shades of wrong within them. Being the person who always sees the good in someone and is always there to give someone a chance, you go with it. Against all your guts because what? You are happy for a couple of months.

Having a good heart in a generation where most people are out here looking for a good time is gonna be hard. In your 20s you’re meant to learn all sorta lessons and you will. Some extremely bad that will having you cursing every person you know and some good that will have you thanking everyone you meet. So back to meeting a guy…..yes you have a couple of good months and you say to yourself “aha yes this one is different from most, not perfect but good”. You know there is that six month period where someone’s true colors start to show and relationships go through a rock patch. If you pass that rocky patch, well you can now breathe. But the rocky patch comes along and it breaks you. The person you once thought was good turns out to be someone totally different. So there your once “aaaww they’re so happy” turns to be “we never thought that person could do that”. Yes that’s your 20s for you and you still have a long way to go. Being the focused type of people who knows what they want you get asked,

“What did you possibly see in that person?”

You think to yourself, what did I see? The person was good for a minute but when you look back you see all the red flags you were blind to. Like you were in a “bird box relationship”! Then someone out of the blue just says,

“You were confused by the looks and hair”

You all laugh it off even though there is still that numbing pain far in the distance that fades away with time. Like I said it’s your 20s and you shall meet a lot of temporary people. My mother always says that these are not your years to meet permanent people, some will be with you for three months or less. No matter how good they are some people you were meant to have met said hello and left it at that. But maybe someone out there wanted you to learn a lesson from some encounters. You know those people you wish that you had ran in the completely opposite direction when you first saw them, they are the ones who teach you the best lessons in life!

Take your falls with pride because you won’t stay down forever. Yes, you’re allowed to wallow in some self-pity but you’re not to stay there forever. Our 20s won’t be an easy time but we shall pull through. A good friend of mine always says,

“We’re still too young and we have our whole life ahead of us!”

So live life and enjoy every single part of time before we turn 30 and officially become ancestors! With that enjoy the good moments that come, the memories you make along the way, the people you meet, the ones who leave and the ones who stay. Always smile, remember it’s all a confusing time and you shall figure things out. Though, also in your 20s is where you can build a better life for yourself in the future, right? When you make the right choices, take the lessons and I don’t know have a vision for your future and work for it. Let it be confusing but don’t let it hold you back from being the best version of yourself!

Thank you, next! 💋

WELL, HELLO 2019!

The year we have all been waiting for finally knocked on our life’s down. Hello 2019? What’s good? What do you have planned for me? Some sunshine I hope, a walk in paradise I hope. Another year like 2016 I hope. 2016 was a good year wasn’t it? It was a sweet and amazing year not like the two years with freaking followed. Let’s not even talk about 2017 that’s was a terror then we called out 2018 to be our year! Yes, it was for a while then it followed the damned path of 2017. Now we are here, a whole new year for many many more memories.

Goals and resolutions are set before the year begins with hope of trying to achieve them. The year never reaches halfway before we forget every single resolution. Most times it’s because life got in the way. Shit always happens and we can’t avoid it. But this year has to be a good year! Stay on track and be the happiest you’ve ever been.

I feel like this year is for ourselves. To find ourselves with the abyss we got lost in. Create our own bubble of happiness without inviting anyone in. To be with someone they should contribute to your happiness, add onto it not become your entire happiness. 2019 is like the year for self care. It’s everyone’s damn theme for the year! No one has to follow the crowd. Stray away from it if need be and have your own theme for the year! This year can not be another depressing time for most people. Time to smile and walk with heads held high through every obstacles.

Self love is important because it part of mental health. I’ve always been an advocate for mental health and how it’s important to carter for one’s own mentality. Not wanting for someone else to come and scope you away from you depression or crumbling anxiety. It’s your own initiative to tell yourself “I got this! I will get better!”. I believe that’s why most people are going for self care and self love. Because if you heal yourselves and find love within your own self, when will you have time to get heartbroken?! Dammit you will be at a safe place where your heart is at peace so whatever is thrown at you, you throw is back!

Dear 2019, be kind to everyone. Let every single soul find happiness and get to finally be at peace. Let it be the year that goals are achieved and resolutions are completed. No more feeling sorry for ourselves or allowing someone to degrade us just because they are not in the same vibe as us. Recognize a disaster from a far and be able to evade it. Nothing shall be taken to heart unless it is meant to be. Focus on work, yes, get that success. Try and be the best version of yourself anyone has ever seen. Get back that happiness and spread to each and every soul you meet! Out here chiming “2019 is my year” claim it and proclaim it because it will be your year!

I take it upon myself as a person who supports mental health to say that if you ever felt like you aren’t worth and your not enough yet you are still here, thank you. If at any point you wished that you didn’t exist anymore but you had the strength to still stay on this earth, thank you. If you were crumbling in depression so bad that you felt like you will never feel like yourself again but you are now working on yourself, I’m proud of you! But if you still stepped into 2019 with the same pain from 2018, the same mental health struggles that are still haunting you very second of the day, stay strong and I believe in you so don’t give up it gets better.

Well, hello 2019 let’s do this 💋