Your Journey

Everyone’s journey is different and not on is similar. As we start our lives on this earth it is not the same as your brother or sister or friends. Your life is your own and you will it how you want it to be. The path you are on is meant just for you to walk on. The journey you embark on is specific just for and doesn’t need comparison to the another person even though they may be similar facts.

It’s been a while is a blog has been posted but Mental Health Tuesday blog is back and here to stay now. On today’s blog we shall discuss on the mental health journey and how different it is for everyone. The bumps on the way and the smooth sailing is different for everyone going through a mental illness. As always before the blog focuses mostly on depression, anxiety and eating disorder. Why? Because I have more knowledge on this I wouldn’t want to mislead anyone but more information will be gathered and I might expand my boundaries to bipolar and others. But now let’s discuss on the core three.

The journey on depression is a lonely one which pushes you further into darkness without even realizing it. You feel like you are all alone and no one can seem to help you. It is never a smooth sailing on; where you just get diagnosed with depression and within a month you are completely healed. The bumps on the road are many and the corners and back steps. With every bump is a whole other pit of darkness full of disappointment and despair. The journey gets harder before it gets better. You cry yourself to sleep every night just to wake up and put on a smile. You cringe at the thoughts day and night. Letting them take over your mind and believing everything they say. They put you down, feeding off your energy day by day. Leaving you exhausted and numb.

The journey is on whereby you have to keep reminding yourself where you’re going and where you’ve come from. You have to keep check that there is a destination to arrive at. That at whatever cost you have to complete the journey. Sometimes you might forget and stray away from your path. Wander of into a path of darkness which will leave you feeling like you have done nothing. That you should just give up and stay at on that path. It eats away at the hope you had at finally seeing the light. You don’t want to do the things you loved. You stop talking to your friends. You stop being who you are. You become this person who can’t be recognized anymore. The once bright smile becomes dull each day. But then you take comfort in the darkness and just feel like you need accept it.

Just like any journey, there’s exhaustion. People do get tired when they’re on a journey and they get to take a rest. But there is no chance to take a rest on this journey. You have to push and keep pushing without letting the need to take rest overcome you. Yes, one does feel exhausted. Exhausted from having to carry the burden of your dark thoughts everyday. Exhausted from a long night of tears and a heavy heart. Exhausted from having to pretend to your friends and family on how good you are. Exhausted from the battle. The journey is tiresome and can drain you of all your energy. You might even start questioning your will to keep on going. But there’s is no time to take a break no matter how hard it is or tiresome it is. It’s your journey, take a helping hand to help you get to your destination. Like the way someone uses a stick when going for a hike, ask for help from family or a friend. Do whatever it takes to remove the feeling of exhaustion. It is okay to ask for help. There’s someone who will always be willing to help and be a shoulder to lean on when you feel like you’ve had enough. They will hold your hand and encourage you to get to where you need to be. Just like people sleep when they get exhausted, in this journey you talk to someone. Air out your thoughts, rant them out, bitch as much as you can, shout if need be! But after that you keep on going! You don’t stop! There will always be someone to hold your hand through it all so don’t get exhausted. Don’t get tired.

Do not go looking at someone’s journey and start putting yourself down because of how far they are. That’s their journey and good for them but now you have to focus on your own. Your slow steps are okay and will get you to where you need to go. Just because you are a few steps back doesn’t mean you never see the end. How you intend to get to the end is all on you. The journey is your own and no one gets to tell you that you need to hurry up or slow down. Comparing with other will not do you any good but put you down even more. Depression will make you feel that you’re so worthless that you can’t even do something right. Why give it that satisfaction? To make you feel something you’re not? You are strong just the way you are. How your journey is, it is just fine and you are doing what is best for you. Do not give it the ability to make you feel like you need to be someone else just because the other person is like that. You are perfect. You are unique and there can only be one of you. So take your journey as your own and find your happiness. Defeat that darkness and get your light!

This is your journey and yours alone. No one else can take it for you. It’s just you who can get yourself to the finish line. Yes, others might give you a helping hand but you have to take it alone and ensure that you get to the end. Do not let the fact that you stray take you back to the beginning. And even though you do stray away don’t let the thoughts take over the far you’ve come. You control the thoughts! They don’t control you. They have come to inhabit your mind. It is hard to battle with your own mind, the very organ that tells you what is wrong and right. What should be and shouldn’t be. But if you let those thoughts take over your mind, letting you believe that, that’s what should be, you will be back to the beginning or worse and no one want that, right? Practice control in your journey. Embrace the feeling of being in charge of your journey. You say what should be and what shouldn’t be!

Be proud of your journey whichever path you are on or stage you are at. Be proud that you are on the journey. Your journey that you get many obstacles but still embark on it. With a smile even with you heavy heart, be proud. One day the journey will come to an end but for now stay strong and be proud. Can I say it again? Be proud!

The next blog will be on control, control of thoughts, emotions and the empty feelings. So till next time, stay strong stay happy!!! As remember to try and be the reason that someone believes the goodness in people ♥️

SORT OF UNREQUITED LOVE

Love has to be one of the best feelings and can also do the most damage to a person. With love comes affection, safety, happiness, peace and care. Love carries with it all sorts of emotions which can either make ones life better or worse. Well, everybody wants to feel loved and to love others.

Of course there are different types of love; sibling love, friendly love, partners love. Should I maybe refer to it as “love love”. That type of love you feel for someone that goes beyond affection, friendship, lust….The love that makes you feel alive every wakening moment. The love that makes you smile like an idiot in the middle of the way while your staring into thin air. The love that makes you do stupid things for a particular person because you consider them you’re everything. The love that makes a singular person your entire universe. You wake up in the morning, they’re you first thought. It’s not the person you thing about at 1am while your in bed preferably crawled up in your bed with nothing to do but the person who crosses your mind at 2pm while your extremely busy. Then you find yourself smiling while a memory of them crosses your mind.

The person who makes you feel like your appreciates; that you are enough. The love that consumes you and you’ll do anything to protect “your person”. The love that leaves you wondering “what did I ever do to deserve this person”. It’s not the love that makes you feel worthless; that you have to try so hard to gain someone attention. That love. Isn’t just a delight when that sort of love is mutual. That two people find each other, they are meant for each and they feel the same towards each other. Efforts are met equally, the strive to be together is there between the both of them. Ain’t that just beautiful? Love is beautiful.

But then love is damaging and hurtful at the most. The sort of unrequited love can bring you hurt beyond imagination. It will leave you with an aching heart when you wake up in the morning and go back to bed in the evening. Have you fighting tears in the middle of the day while you try to put on a happy face. Unrequited love is sort of heart break that seems like it takes ages to heal. You meet someone, they became the center of your life. You want to talk to them every single day, spend every free minute with them. Know about their life, care about their wellbeing, find peace within their presence. Their smile brings so much joy to your life. Their happiness fuels your peace of mind. The thought of them brings a smile to your face; a sad smile but a smile nonetheless. Even the slightest thought of being with them brings you some sort of immense pleasure.

Having your heart long for someone who can never be yours can keep your mind on an endless journey of trying to get over them. But how do you even start getting over someone who was never yours to begin with? Having to put on a smile, act like your totally fine while deep down your heart is in pieces. At most instances of unrequited love is usually with someone who are close with. You can’t just meet a stranger and finally realize,

“Oh yeah, I love this human and now I feel awful cause he/she doesn’t love me back”

It’s a build up of emotions towards let’s say a close friend who you’ve known for a while. Then it dawns on you one day that all those emotions you feel towards them is actually “love”. It hits you out of nowhere that you might actually be in love with them. It hits hardest when it’s a close friend that you talk to all the time and meet regularly. Unrequited love from a stranger that you just meet might hurt but of some sort of rejection level. Compared to someone you talk and see and suddenly realize you love but can make anything out of it might actually hurt like a bitch! Then you start figuring out how your going to suppress those emotions and how you’re going to hide it from them. It always olympics trying to put a mask for however how long, the mask always falls off!

When you’re content with seeing them happy even though it’s not with you, that’s what people might call love. Unrequited love. Just to see them smile even though you’re not the reason, it might hurt, but it’s something someone is willing to go through. In instances where you love your friend, be it a best friend or just someone your close with, hiding the feelings might be to protect the friendship. Some friendship are always much worth the hurt that comes with unrequited love. Being able to go through a certain pain because you are not willing to loose someone. Deep down you know how you feel and know very well they will never know how much you love them. You catch yourself just smiling while looking at them, thinking about how you love them while they sit there clueless most times with their significant other then the smile instantly turns into a small from before you cover it up with a smile, unrequited love.

Does it fade?

It might fade with time. Isn’t time the healer of all wounds? Some last months, others years. It all depends on the intensity of the feelings. Some people will try to get over the feelings at whatever cost. They get drunk, kiss the wrong person, end going home with a total stranger, wake up in an unfamiliar location and pretend to be okay with an attempt to suppress whatever feelings they have. It can take time especially if you’re in constant communication and closeness. You might think you’re over them one day then you see them and the feelings come rushing back all over again. It’s always back square one every time.

Then there is the hope, the hope that trickles in your mind every now and then.

“You know maybe she’ll look at me the way I look at her.”

“Maybe he will finally start to like me.”

“You know she might end up just….”

It’s hard to wait around for something that you are sure will never happen; but it is also harder to let go of something that you it’s everything you want. Yes, you will break but will heal!

Dealing with unrequited love shall come in another blog, watch out for that!!!!!!

Stay strong, stay happy 💋

THE YEAR 2019

Here comes the end of not only a year but a decade.

Here comes the end of the year 2019.

This year just said “but did you die?!” so loud I almost burst an eardrum. At the end year of 2018, you went down on your knees and prayed for a good year but what happened was the complete opposite. Maybe you did have a fantastic year, kudos for that! May the same blessings keep following you year after year. But this is for you who had the worst year of your life. For you who had yet another bad year. For you who didn’t get to achieve what you hoped for this year. For each and every one of you who had to survive this year. For you who had to struggle every day of every month.

2019 came with its ups and downs. It came with hits of depression, anxiety, eating disorder. It came with struggles of healing. The fall backs, the bumps, the many episodes, the disappointments. Of course this was to be your year of healing but you had to struggle through yet a bad year where smiling was hard and laughing was painful. Where being happy was a work load and all you wanted to to was curl up in bed all day. Where you nights were full of tears and not feeling enough. Where you keep questioning yourself,

“Why is this happening to me?”

“Why can’t I just be happy?”

You woke up a day, had to laugh with friends and family just to go back home and cry. The many trips to the therapy to no avail. The number of pills you took to get better. The amount of lies you told so that no one had to worry about you. The days you made others happy while you were sad and in need of some love. The times you had to pretend your fine while you were loosing to depression. The fights you almost won to your ugly thoughts but still woke up the next day to fight yet another day. The notes you wrote when you thought you’ve had enough just to store them and decide to live one more day. The scars you got this year because the pain was to much.

The many times your heart broke for someone who was never yours. The tears and screams your pillow carried while you hid your cries from everyone else. The smiles that hid the pain you carried in your heart. The love you never received from the one you wanted. The hurt and pain you got from the family that was meant to love you the most. The loved ones you lost.

You did it!

You made it to the end of a painful and hard year. You struggled through every suicidal thought, every episode of depression, every single pain and got to the end of 2019. You fought a good fight and damn I couldn’t be any prouder of you! How many times did you sit and think,

“Let me just give up.”

“This pain is too much, I can’t take it anymore.”

“Let me just end it”

And yet you are still here. Still fighting. Still going on and choosing to fight one more day. It’s hard, it’s not an easy task to compete with your mind. Trying to shut off the thoughts. The strength it takes to get yourself out of bed and smile through the day even when deep inside your hurting and carrying so much pain. Getting yourself to laugh through your darkest moments. Be proud of yourself for getting by this year. Even though you did not heal from what you’re going through, you still got to reach the end of the year. You were strong and you still are very strong. Being able to go by every day with the pain you carry is ultimate strength! You got by 12 months and that my friend is nothing but admirable. You did what you had to do to survive and some might not be advisable but you crushed 2019! Do not be ashamed for what you went through this year. It’s not a bad thing to have depression, it has never been a crime to fight with mental health. It is not something to be ashamed of, it’s a sickness just like a flu and no one has ever be ashamed of getting a flu. Yes, 2019 destroyed but it did not kill your spirit to survive. You still have your spirit to stick around another day and isn’t that something to be proud of? So what if you the year had you crying every night and crumbling in immense sadness! Didn’t you still smile on some days? Didn’t you try your best to be a better version of yourself? And isn’t that something to hold on to?

You wanted 2019 to be your year of healing but it ended up being a year that made you stronger. Anything you went through this year made you a lot stronger even though it’s the moments that make you weak. Depression is a bitch and it does drain you of your will to get by but it does make you stronger because every day you open your eyes while depression is fighting its way inside you is another type of strength that can’t be describe. You could have taken a bunch of pills this year but you didn’t! Maybe you did try to commit suicide but you still being around to see the end of 2019, be proud of that! Be proud of the fact that you have made the choice to fight! Keep choosing yourself each and every day.

Also if your loosing your will to fight don’t you worry. The storm comes be the calm. The clouds always hide the sun and it will always come out no matter what. Lying on your bed facing the wall choosing whether to fight or give up shouldn’t get you down nor make you feel like your weak. It shouldn’t make you feel like you failed this year . Don’t be disappointed in yourself. Yes, 2019 got you down and you are struggling to just end the year but you are stronger than you know! You are enough! You are important! You are loved!

It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to be okay.

Congratulations you made it to the end of 2019! You did it!

Stay strong, stay happy 💋

A WEEKEND IN COAST

This will be a little different than my usual blogs. Of late most of my blogs have been about mental health and I decided why not have a break and do a travel blog for today. I always wanted my blog to be a mixture of lifestyle and mental health but I always drift more towards mental health. I shall try and get a balance between the two and then we’ll figure it out from there!!!!

The lazy writer went for a mini getaway over the weekend. It was a family based vacation this time. I’m always vacationing with my friends but this was not the case this time. I’m sure the next one I’ll have my close friends with me!!! One of my close friends will be living at one of my vacation spot so be sure to expect more travel blogs to come, if I don’t get lazy to write.

The trip began of Friday morning, my brothers and I caught the 12pm plane to Mombasa. It was not a smooth flight and a girl was scared for 40 minutes straight. If it wasn’t the turbulence, it was the shaky landing and take off. I always have traveling nausea so I didn’t quite enjoy the flight but i was glad to reach coast quickly because I needed that sun!

We stayed at Sarova Whitesands Hotel, where I had the pleasure of having my own room which I forgot to take photos of but here is a bit of a view of how the hotel looked and my room.

Friday was pretty lazy, a walk around the hotel to familiarize ourselves with the place and a nice dinner finished of the day.

Saturday began with my annoying brothers calling me at 7am to get breakfast. I’m on vacation, I should be allowed to sleep in. It’s only right! It is not acceptable to call someone before 9 when they are on vacation. Of course, I didn’t wake up until the third call by then they had already breakfast and the fools had the nerve to say, “Ndio kulauka plesdent Kingston” when I joined them for breakfast. The nerve!

Anyway away from the annoyance of brothers, the weekend was really chilled with various activities that neither of us expected to do. Usually family vacation are usually spent by the pool or at the beach but this was a different kind of a vacation.

Starting with the jet-ski madness! So guessing we all know what jet-skis are (picture below), my brothers opted to go for a few laps on those demon spawn inventions. From where I was standing, at the beach where I’m safe from falling into the ocean, they looked like they were living their best lives. Soon curiosity caught up with me and I decided to have a turn on the damned things. Well, it wasn’t that bad but the fear in me didn’t let me enjoy the entire lap. Feeling the wind brush against me as we speed across the water brought a rush that needed to be fulfilled. Speeding across the small waves as we bounced of the water, screaming at no one in particular was amazing! At some point I screamed to be returned back to my father at the beach but my brother was having none of that. My small brother who we have established has no fear in his bones, was doing all sorts of crazy styles with the devil thing at one point I thought he’d actually fall off.

Kindly ignore my dad’s finger 😂

With the rush of the jet-ski came along the swimming with the tiny fish at the marine park. The marine park is located in the middle of nowhere in the vast ocean but not that far from the beach. It’s deep enough for someone to drown if the don’t know how to swim but deep for the fish to have fun in and for humans to enjoy looking at them. Anyone is allowed to swim there and observe the fish. With a floating vest and some ugly goggles, your good to go. I’m not as adventurous as my younger brother and I’m very skeptical on what I do. The young human was just jumping in the water no fear and stayed for a while having his best time. It took some convincing for me to actually get in the water. For some dumb reason I was scared of tiny fish! Like, grow up Susan!

Overall swimming in the marine park went well. The fish were so cute and adorable! The young human tried to catch one of them and of course he failed miserably.

A good portion of the weekend was spent by the pool, enjoying the hot (which gave me major sunburn) and spending quality time with my family. And what’s a vacation without a little holiday romance!

Should I spill that tea as well?!

Of course I will,

The hotel has daily activities as mentioned above which included water polo. My brother and I were called on to join in the water police which happens at 4. I was like “it’s cool, lemme rest for a bit then I go join them”. Teams were chosen and the game began. It was an intense game and tiring as well! Anyway, the goalkeeper for the other time was an eye candy, a sight for sore eyes after being in the sun the whole day. I won’t say I spent the majority of the game on that side of the pool but it was a high possibility. I scored most goals for my team, I’m a tiny human against this human and I still managed to get scores. Makes one wonder right? From the flirty words, to the sneaking of glances, to the laughters and unnecessary touching I’m safe to say the game was one to remember!

The vacation came to an end pretty fast and it now seems like a blur. That’s why we have photos to keep our memories with us. To remind us of a time that’s worth staying in our minds.

This is my second travel blog and I’m sorta proud of how it’s turned out! Hope to write many more travel blogs and more lifestyle blogs to come. I don’t know if I should do more lifestyle blogs but be sure to let me know if I should. What you think about lifestyle blogs? If I should do a bit more of this types of blogs?

Thank you for reading! Stay safe stay happy 💋

TODAY ON UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HEALTH!!

This blog was actually written weeks ago but never posted!!! I need to work on my posting I know.

Consistency or not? I really didn’t know what to write about, I thought maybe I could do a lifestyle blog today but then I again that needs a lot of planning and research unlike mental health. I know a lot about mental health not from a medical view but from personal experience and maybe one day I’ll share my experiences with you.

When I’m ready.

But when is “ready” ready? When do you know when your ready to share your story? How will you even know your ready? When should you be ready? Do you have to tell it to everyone and anyone? Does external pressure make you talk when you don’t want to?

The thing about someone going through depression (let me focus on that for today’s blog because I don’t want to mislead anyone by saying it includes other mental health struggles) is that they are very secretive. They have very particular on what they want to talk about and who they want to know. So point to know “if they want you to know, you’ll know if not then your not meant to know and should respect that”. They don’t go around announcing to everyone that, “Hey, I usually go through this and that”. Unless I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure someone just wants that part of them hidden deep within them away from the public eye. It’s not something they just want to open up to anyone. With the issue of not trusting people to know your story, especially such a sensitive story of course you don’t want everyone you meet to know about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that depression should be hidden and never talked about, you should but when you’re ready. For someone going through depression another key thing to note is the level of pretense. You can be sitting next to your friend who is the group’s comedian, making everyone laugh and happy but they may be struggling with depression.

Depression doesn’t come with a sad face, a frown or with never ending tears. It visits someone and gives them a second face to add salt to the injury. You’ll go out with your friends, smile the widest smile known to man, join in on the conversation when in your mind your battling a war you think your going to loose. Friends and family can’t even tell until they’re told or when it gets really really bad. Funny thing, even on those bad days (addresses in the previous blog) someone can easily hide it all and pretend they are fine. You’ll think that, “yes my bestie is fine, he’s told me he’s fine and look how happy he seems” while I’m the morning it took every ounce of strength to get out of bed, shower and actually get ready for the day. During the day, they’re might even be moments they felt like giving up, some even hide in bathrooms and cry for a while before washing their faces and acting like nothing is wrong.

Question, why do they hide and pretend so much? Blog topic for another week!!! (Be on the lookout)

The main agenda is not the reason why the hide but when they will open up. As a friend you might notice instances when your friend is not doing so well but it is not your place to pressure them to talk to you. They shouldn’t always tell you when they’re not doing fine. It is not a must for them to talk to you or explain to you what’s going on. As a friend you should understand that they’re going through some struggles and when they’re ready they’ll come to you. It’s never you going to them it’s always them coming to you.

Never feel pressured to talk. You’ll be ready when you want to be ready. If you don’t want to open up to someone, you don’t have to. It’s always your decision to talk to someone. It takes a lot to just sit down and open up about your struggles so it should be done voluntarily. When is “ready” ready? When you feel emotionally your strong enough to be ready. All these apply to those friends or family who feel like they have to know or “think” it’s their place to know what’s going on. When someone is ready, they will definitely come to you. Trust them to find it within themselves to find you a safe space for them. A place where they can be themselves and when that happens, they will feel it’s right to tell you.

They may be going for therapy which can help someone get to that place “of being ready”. It can take a while to be actually ready to open up to friends and family about depression. Until then, hold your horses, show them that you support them, be there to give a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on and just walk beside them as they get through their struggles. Do you really have to know everything as a friend to be there for someone? Being there for support without even the knowledge can go a long way. Give them time to trust not only you but also themselves to talk. When it’s actually someone’s own decision to talk, they’ll feel so much better than when they’re pressured. When your ready, talk, talk and never stop talking!!!

I should do a blog on “helping a friend going through mental health struggles”. I really should, outline what to notice when they’ve hit a bump, how to help them; because even the little things like asking “how are you today?” is still something even though they’ll probably lie and say “I’m fine” but they’re always those small things to take note of. Anyway blog for another week!

Stay strong my unicorn warrior. Keep fighting the good fight. Never ever give up! You are here for a purpose. I and my little blog family believes in you, we’re proud of your journey so far and we know that you will conquer it all!!

Stay strong, stay happy 💋

ONE STEP BACK

Lawmeetslifestyle is back! We really hope that she is here to stay because she is always disappearing. Even though she goes away she’ll always be back, that’s a guarantee! I hope you guys have been well for the past two months. Thank you for sticking around and still supporting the disappearing writer. To the old readers y’all are my MVPS! To the new readers welcome, hope you enjoy each and every blog post. This girl tries to post two days a week Tuesday and Fridays! I will interchange between lifestyle blogs and mental health blogs. My main focus is on mental health with a short break of a lifestyle blog. Cause we not only want to be strong mentally and emotionally but we are going to be strong as we slay in these streets!

Now let’s jump into today’s topic!

Those days where it’s “two steps forward, one step back”. Those annoying days where you feel like an utter disappointment. You feel like you’re the biggest looser on this planet. The sad part is, you can tell when such a day is coming or when it is such a “bad day”. The night before you slept happy and fulfilled then comes morning. The sun sure did not bring any sunshine just rays of darkness!

You don’t want to get out of bed,

You don’t want to talk to your friends and family,

You don’t wan to leave the comfort of your home,

You feel beyond lazy and unaccomplished,

Such days, let’s call them the dark days.

The dark days are the most trying and hardest part of healing. When you think and feel that you’re getting better, there comes depression or anxiety or whatever battle your fighting to remind you “yes I’m still here, you might think I’m gone but I’ll always pop in and out to remind you that I’m not going anywhere!”. It’s painful and devastating to have to go through a day on negative thoughts just when you thought that you’ve conquered it all. The dark days are somewhat a reminder that you are still the “odd friend”. A reminder that you are your mind is your worst enemy.

For some or most when the dark days come they spiral so far from their goal and sink deeper into their battles. They forget how they fought, what they were fighting for and how far they have come. They succumb into the darkness and let it drive them back to when it was all “sadness, self-pity, anguish, anxiety…” They feel just because they hard a minor setback that it’s back to square one. While there are others who just bounce back after a minor bump in their journey. There many differences ways of finding healing and everyone’s journey is unique.

Never feel like you’re a failure just because you had a minor setback. Even though you don’t bounce back today or tomorrow, you have to strive to get back to where you were or even a better place. You just switch of your mind and prevent yourself from thinking the negative thoughts or even prevent the minor setbacks that come along with healing. What you can do is keep fighting a good fight! So what if you take a wrong corner on the road? You turn back around and try get back to where you once were. It’s not easy getting out of a setback but that’s what will make you even stronger than before. Knowing that once again you conquered the beast. Don’t rush yourself, don’t force yourself, let it flow. Allow yourself to feel the emotions. Let yourself feel the pain and agony. Understand that it is okay to not be okay.

What can you do during those dark days? Here is where you think about yourself. Be selfish with yourself. Do whatever makes you happy. If binge watching a series is what will keep you sane then do it! Get a book and read. Learn a new language. Travel by yourself. Listen to music. Get a new hobby. Do you. Be you. Be selfish, very selfish. Do not care what others do, you’re doing yourself to get back to who you know you are. People who love you will understand when you need time to yourself and ice them out; they understand when the time is right, you will come back to them always. When you want to talk to someone please I urge you to do it. Love to talk, learn to talk. Even though they don’t offer a solution, which you don’t need, just talk it out. Let it out of your system. It’s not a guaranteed solution but it always helps to talk.

But,

If you don’t want to talk, don’t force yourself to. Remember that everyone has their own way of dealing with their battles. Your way is always the right way.

Unless,

Your causing harm to yourself or plan on harming yourself, involvement by friends and family is mandatory. You may feel like their evading your space but one day you’ll appreciate them! So keep fighting a good fight!!!

“I’ll do a blog on how friends and family can help someone who is currently going through a setback”

Stay strong, stay happy 💋

A SCAR’S STORY

There is always a hidden story behind the girl who always wears jeans even when the day is extremely hot. The boy who is always in a jumper despite the weather outside. The friend who is always wearing long sleeved clothes and would not dare wear a short sleeve shirt or anything. Or what about that girl who was obsessed with crop tops and showing of her perfect tummy then out of nowhere stopped wearing them completely. Or that friend that doesn’t what to go swimming anymore or expose a specific part of their body. Ever asked yourself why?

Well maybe they just love what they wear or what they do but maybe there is a secret that they are trying so hard to hide. It is not something you always want the world to know. Its your own personal secret and escape. It is the way you try and push away the demons. When they rise up to the surface the only way you know best to take them back to their place is self-harm. When the night gets too intense and you feel like you can’t take the pain anymore you do it. In your mind it is the only way to get away from the pain.

Self-harm? Good question.

It can be explained in many ways and also understood in many ways. For a person who actually self-harms they can not seat down and explain what it is or why they do it. From another person’s perspective they won’t understands why someone would harm themselves. Why a person would go to the lengths of drawing blood from their body “just because they’re in pain”. Everyone feels pain, everyone goes through hard times why do you have to harm yourself using the reason “pain”. Well, self-harm is the act of someone either cutting themselves, hitting themselves or starving themselves for the sake of finding an escape. It is the point of torture and pain that they can’t handle it mentally and tend to feel that physical pain is much better.

So, when someone thinks “why would you harm yourself just because of pain” ask yourself what kind of pain someone must be feeling to feel the need to harm themselves. It’s not like they scratch the surface of their skin, most self-harmers cut through their skin to the point that they would need stitches and will leave behind a much visible scar. With most self harmers, it’s always a secret that even the stitches they need, the do it themselves or just let it heal with no stitches. Now why would someone cause themselves such pain for no reason or for the most used phrase “attention”. The pain hidden within is one which is hardly understood by someone who hasn’t been through it before. The person who is going through a mental struggle can as well find it hard to explain.

The mind is a mysterious organ. It can bring someone so much pain and there is no way to shut it down. The thoughts will run through your mind no matter how hard you try to block them away. Everyone always has some means of escape. Self-harming of any kind is a way of numbing the pain.

“If I cause myself physical pain maybe I can make the mental pain go away”.

It might feel like the only sort of remedy for the pain but harming yourself is never the answer. Sometimes the urge to pick up the blade or to punch a wall might be so strong that you can’t stop yourself. Often the pain can get you to the breaking point and it’s understandable to want to escape from it, make the pain go away. To self-harmers, when they have a mental breakdown, the mind (yet again the organ that helps you think) will tell you that the only way to make yourself feel better is to physically harm yourself. Some might battle with the urge, a very hard battle, and win but most fail. With the failure come for disappointment within one’s self. Feeling like I would stop myself but I was to weak to stop it.

BUT,

No, you are not a failure. You simply doing the best you can to heal. Some days you succeed and other days you have a small setback, a tiny scar to remind you of how strong you can be. The scars tell your story of ho you fought and won. You could have succumbed to the pressures of the mind an ended your life all together (tragic) but yet here you are still fighting a good fight. Your scars are your strength. Yes, they are “disgusting” or “shameful” but look at it from this view. You were in a dark place and did what you had to do to survive. Never feel ashamed to have scars either on your arm, stomach or thighs. Anyone who finds them disgusting then they shouldn’t even be in your life. Those marks are yours to have proudly, to remind you of where you don’t want to go back to.

Don’t do it! It might seem like you need to but don’t! if the urge is too strong just draw with a marker where you want to harm yourself. Keep away from any sharp objects to avoid temptation and any time you feel like you want to harm yourself talk to a friend you trust. Keep yourself occupied! Stay busy! Avoid triggers! Avoid stress! You will heal and be better than before. You are strong and you are this blog’s unicorn warrior!

Stay Safe, Stay Happy

 

 

 

THE ACNE TRAGEDY

It’s been what? A whole month and more since I even opened my blog. I’ve just been going around this Nairobi like I do not have work to actually do. Like I do not have writing to do. Like I do not have blogs plans piling and other writings piling up that need to be worked on. The other day I was telling my friend that “I am a lazy writer” and everyone knows the last thing I writer needs to be is lazy! I always sing about consistency but I preach water and drink wine. Apologies my dear readers, this writer intends to do better and be better!

There is a time and age where your skin is smoother than a baby’s bum. Your face will be glowing for days and you don’t have a single spot on your face. Those were the days of glory; those were the days the only thing your face saw was a bar of soap and vaseline. Then you wake up one day and there is a big pimple on your face. Shining brighter than the face right there in the middle of your forehead. That would be the day when disaster stroked.  You think it’s just going to be that one pimple but over months, they get more and they become acne scars because you can’t resist to pop them.

Sweet, sweet teenage hormones. So, hello fellow acne infested human. There different types of acne raging from it being a serious condition to being easily manageable. Some people get so lucky and don’t get a single acne through out their lives (thank your gods) while others we pray, fast, offer burn sacrifices but our face look like chapatis! Especially when your much lighter with little black spots scattered over your face, not a good look. For some acne is usually over the whole face, others cheeks, other the forehead. Does it depend on your hormones?

Throughout high school I had really clear skin, that glow was blinding then I joined campus. That’s when my body decided “let’s unleash the demons”. Acne most affects my cheeks and jaw line, not only the period acne but there just constantly there fuelled with allergies. Allergies make acne worse, because they come ready to destroy my skin. Like any young adult wanting to fit in a society which praises good skin I started trying different types of skin products to clear my face. I watched countless YouTube videos to get a constant skin care routine. The acne obviously disturbed me and was a huge insecurity for me. Make up has never been a deal for me but I needed to hide the acne from the world and try achieve a flawless look.

That’s when my mum started saying “don’t worry they will clear by the time your 30”. Well hell no, I am in my 20s and I need that flawless skin to be seen as beautiful and fit in this cruel society. Of course, I don’t want to wait till I’m 30 to get good skin, I want it now. Different products work differently for everyone. You need to get that perfect product and routine that will work for you. My routine included, exfoliating and lots of face masks.

My skin wasn’t that bad, just a few black spots here and there with just a few pimples. So, your girl decided to try the Garnier products because it was praised for amazing results. So, I included the products in my routine. Personally, I used the micellar water and face wash for a period of weeks to see if they will work so I could include their other products. Like I said different products work differently, while it worked perfectly for others, they didn’t work for me. I got worse breakouts than before making me more insecure.

After cutting the products out of my routine, I decided to listen to my mum and stop using various products on my skin and just keep it simple. My skin care routine changed to first steaming my face, then I apply natural coconut oil (to know if coconut oil is natural, it will be liquid in hot temperatures then solidify in cold temperatures) and simply wash my face with soap. Afterwards I’ll apply natural olive oil on my damp skin.

On days I feel I’ve applied heavy makeup; I will exfoliate with face scrub and apply a clay mask which are good for sensitive skin. I also stopped apply makeup a lot because I realized my skin doesn’t like too much product and the obvious number one rule never sleep with makeup on (I did that one time and woke up with breakout and rashes). That’s what works for me, its all about finding what works perfectly for your skin and sticking to that.

I started being okay with my acne and not letting it bother me so much because I know sis is beautiful regardless. These days I totally prefer the natural face look without an ounce of makeup. I get fewer breakouts now and I’m try to manage the black spots. So, baby girl or baby boy don’t let acne frustrates you to apply all sorts of products on your skin. A lot of products can also b harmful to your skin so why not just make it simple.

Remember to find your niche!

Stay safe, Stay happy!

THE REALITY OF GRIEF

I don’t understand grief, I don’t know how it really feels to loose someone I love and care about. Not loosing like we no longer talk but loosing a person to the universe. Knowing in my mind that I will wake up tomorrow and not see them again, they won’t be there to talk to me, walking around with the knowledge that they are truly gone. I have lost people but not someone really close to me to the point that loosing them also takes away a piece of my soul. But I am surrounded with people who have gone through such loss. I may not completely understand their pain, understand your pain as a reader who has lost someone close but somehow (I don’t know how) I understand the pain mentally.

So, this is for you who has had a rough couple a months. It’s for you that has to wake up and put a brave face on each morning when all you want to do is cower away from the light of the world. This is for you who feels like it will never get better, for you that feels like you are alone. This is just for you! And for you who has a friend going through such an ordeal.

Grieving for a loved one is a really personal journey. Even though there is a mutual relationship between two people who share the same loose, each person goes through the pain by themselves. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the pain. For some it’s easy and for other it’s really really hard. If it turns out to be really hard for you, do not feel like your weak. You are just as strong and have so much compassion for feeling all the pain you feel. Comparing your healing process to another’s will only make it harder for you to deal with your loss. It’s not and will never be something you get by with someone else. You just have to do it by yourself, in your own terms and at your own pace.

The hardest time of grieving is one week after the burial. When everyone has gone back to their normal lives and life starts to move on again. That is the moment it hits you the hardest. The moment when reality starts to kick in and at that time you are just by yourself. All the emotions will come rushing to your mind and you will breakdown. You will continue to break down from that week onwards. What’s the reality of loss, is it just gets worse. No matter what anyone tells you or tries to make you understand. What is lost can not be retrieved. Acknowledging your pain and accepting your pain is everything. Yes, you are in pain. The pain you go through is unseen from others. The “us” who are not going through such pain can not be able to understand what makes you act the way you do. No one needs solutions from others on how to get by. All someone needs is understanding, someone to see your pain, acknowledge it, to hold your hand, to offer a shoulder to cry on, to offer a listening ear as you walk through the hole you have in your soul. Someone to understand that they can not fix you no matter how hard they want you to get back to normal.

No one is ever ready to say goodbye or let go of someone they love. Even in break ups it’s never easy, I can only but imagine the pain for someone to say goodbye knowing they will not come back. Everyone else around goes back to the daily lives. Your friends go back to usual business, your family members will also try to adjust to life as it and get by on their own way. Life is so merciless and that what’s makes grieving so hard. The world keeps spinning, life moves on, the show must go on. There is no time for you to take a step off the moving train and decide you want to take a breather. You still have responsibilities to attend to regardless of your loss. You can’t decide to fall of the wagon. You just have to get up, put on your best smile, dry off your tears and face the world head on. You carry them around hidden from the rest of the world. Hidden only in your memories. Your friends are supportive, yes but as time goes by they run out as well and fall back to their usual routine. All assuming, of course, it’s been weeks s/he is going to be just fine. They eventually stop asking you how you’re doing or checking up on you every two seconds. They burn to ask you,

“when are you going to move on from this?”

But will you even have an answer when asked? You have no idea when that will happen or if it will ever happen. But thats the painful reality, going on with life. The guilt of going on with your life. There is no need for the guilt. This life is hard. The pain is hard, but the gift we have is the love we hold for the ones we can no longer hold. On the days that the world tells you to “heal” or “move on”, shut them out. The pain is not like the pain from a broken hand or a sickness like a flu. The loved one was not a fricking broken leg, they were and will always be a piece of their soul. You will heal but just not how the world wants you to. You will breathe a little easier, smile a little genuinely. The longing might never ever leave but that’s just the fierceness of your love!

Grieving a loss is like living two lives; one where you pretend you are fine and the other where your heart screams silently in pain. I won’t write here that time heals all wounds. Who I’m I to say time will heal the pain, but I will say it does help with the pain. Death changes everything but time changes nothing, grief is not something you complete but rather endure. After a while you will start to cry a little less. The days will seem a bit brighter. You will start to wake up and feel a little lighter. You will start to smile more and even have really great days. You will find yourself going about your day and their memory comes to mind, you tear up a bit, you cry that really ugly cry and that’s okay. There days when you will wake up and the pain is back. The sadness comes rushing back and you stay in bed the whole day. You cry the whole day. That’s okay as well. Times just makes things better. The hole will become a scar, a scar that never fades. “You will survive” that’s what you’re told after you loose someone. You know what, they’re right. You Will Survive, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow. What is often left out is that surviving and being happy are not the same thing. So I hope you find happiness even within the broken pieces. “When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough you fix them. But unfortunately some things don’t break they shatter. But when you let the light in shattered glass will glitter and in those moments when the shattered glass catch the light, you will remember just how beautiful it was….Cause that’s what you had with them magic”

(Special Message)

“Hey, you are amazing. You are strong. You are a unicorn warrior. You are a survivor. You are amazing. We may not tell you that everyday or check up on you everyday because we know that you have to go through this journey have yourself and find the healing that you need. We know that you are strong and able to get by. All we can do is offer a hand for you to squeeze when you want to, a hand to help you walk through the rocky paths, a shoulder to cry on and a way to make your days less gloomy. We need you to know what we proud of you and that you will have happiness in the darkest of days. Life is never fair and it will never throw to us something we can’t handle. When you need a good cry, we can always promise to be there to cry with you and make you laugh those ugliest of laughs. Grief is something personal and very painful but we most surely don’t talk to you every single day about it but we feel your pain (don’t know how) but we do and we pray for you every single day! You are loved by many and the entire Broke Not Broken Family”

Was this helpful? I tried to walk a mile in someone’s shoes who has lost someone and I can’t even start to fathom their pain. Please remember your friends and family in your prayer and don’t be scared to talk to them.

Stay safe stay happy 💋

“TIME OF THE MONTH”

Basically the daily life of girl is as normal as it can ever be. You wake up in the morning, afternoon, evening whatever time you choose; if you have matters to attend to, you take a shower and proceed to get ready for the day. You go about your day just like any other human being on this earth. Trying to get by, end the day well and get a good night sleep.

But there those days!

Those three – seven days a week every month!

We are snatched a whole week of our daily lives!

A girl, a lady, a woman has to be one of the strongest human species. I mean, we have to be the stronger species, right? Can a male species walk a day in that one week of the month? By the end of it they will be glad they were born male. It’s not just a week where a girl gets to just bleed out, finish the cycle and go on with her life as usual. It’s not just popping a pain reliever pill and that’s it, wait it out.

No…no it’s not.

I believe from the moment you experience your first period that is it for the rest of your life till menopause. It’s start from the ovulation process, you get me right? There some women who don’t get to experience cramps twice in a month. Heeh while they’re others who go through the torture twice a month. First during the ovulation phase…why does it have to feel like a person is literally cutting of the ovum from the ovary with the bluntest knife they can get! It’s the type of pain that I don’t think can even be explained to someone until they actually experienced it. At some point you even feel like the ovary is actually going to just fall off. It’s at that moment you look at someone and say,

“Yooh wanna trade ovaries for a day?”

It can cripple someone in bed for some good few hours of the day. All you want to do is curl in bed, a sofa, the ground and not even move an inch. Just get a comfortable place and just lay there for some hours until the ovulation nonsense is over. Lemme tell you even moving an inch can cause a spiral of pain through the abdomen!Apart from even the stupid pain, there is the nausea, the back pain, the uncontrollable mood swings!! All this and a girl out there has to go to work, to class or a matter she can’t avoid. Hands down ovulation pain, even for those few hours, is hella torture.

I usually pray to my God, fast, offer burnt sacrifice that the ovulation phase just finds me when I’m at home. A place where I can lie down and not have to walk around. I can’t imagine starting to explain to someone why I’m walking hunched over like the “Hunchback of Norte Dame” as I clutch to one side of my lower abdomen. Or why I keep licking salt all the time, it’s to stop the nausea (that’s the method I use to stop feeling nauseous, I either lick salt or some sugar then drink a bunch of water!!!). “Why don’t you take pain killers?” Oh trust me, I’m sure a girl does but those shits don’t do anything! Have they invented pain killers specifically for ovulation pain? I would really like to know where they’re sold, I just stock them 😅

Like the best ovulation phase wasn’t enough, two weeks later the little symptoms start acting up again. If it’s not the back feeling like it’s breaking, it’s your boobs giving you one hell of a time. Have you ever had to run or walk down a flight of stairs while holding on to your boobs? Yeah, cause you don’t want them to move even the slightest? I get you sis! Then there those girls who get mad cravings during the menstrual cycle. And the moods swings! Never forget about the mood swings. And what is up with this hormonal pimples though? They are so huge, shining and at a place where everyone can freaking notice. If it’s not in the middle of your forehead, it’s on the chin! Also why are they so fucking painful?! Do they really have to be painful? They are already huge, un-hidden and shinning like the morning star! Also ever just started feeling sad out of nowhere and just started crying for no good reason then three days later, auntie flow comes to pay a visit? Four days later, you’re like,

“I knew I wasn’t a weak bitch!!”

Then the onset of cramps, the stupid, annoying pain that comes and goes every few minutes. At that point, your bleeding like a fool (and don’t you dare sneeze cause you know what happens sis, right?) but your abdomen has turned into a war zone. Like a million people with six inch stilettos are having a marathon race on your poor poor abdomen! That aside, a girl has to go to work because having your period is no excuse to skip work or class. Woman be walking around full on loosing blood and also putting on a brave face like her abdomen isn’t being sliced continuously. Does any other girl feel like pain killers or cramp pain relievers don’t do shit? You can almost overdose on those little pills trying to numb the pain. The hot water bottle helps, just relaxing on your bed with a hot water bottle on your belly eating some unhealthy foods has to be the best way to spend those four to seven days. Buuuut how? How do you walk around with a hot water bottle strapped to your abdomen? How? Any way I can do that? Lemme know, I totally would!

Then someone asks (actually read this on Twitter), you’ve been going through that pain for years shouldn’t you be used to it by now? Bruuuh I ask my uterus the same question every month! But if you get your leg cut every month wouldn’t you still feel the same pain? Or will you get used to the pain? Same goes for the uterus, it goes through the same contractions every month and we feel the same pain every month. There is no getting used to this type of pain, all one can do is endure it for a few days, forget about it and go through it again the next month and the next and the next. It’s funny how the brain forgets period pain immediately when it stops.

Women have to go about their day, take care of another human being, make a living while still experiencing shitty days. Cause the world doesn’t stop just because you have your period, you have to just endure it. Bruh shit is painful, like no lady ever exaggerates about it. If she says she feels like she is dying, she legit feels like she’s dying! Sometimes they don’t even talk about the extent of it. Yooh women are just a wonder of the world!!!!

“My heart goes out to every girl out there going through endometriosis. Stay strong and keep fighting. Even us girls who experience bad period cramps can not compare to the pain of endometriosis. We can not even start to imagine. It must be hard and painful to go through such pain each and every month but remember to keep smiling through the pain and always stay strong! The Broke Not Broken Family is proud of you.”

Stay safe, stay happy 💋